Too much

So I have been struggling with things a lot lately and it has been causing a bit of stress in my life. Okay, that may be an understatement. It has been causing a lot of stress in my life. A lot of if you look at me wrong I will rip your testicles off and hang them in my cube stress. Ask mommy one more "what if*" question and I will banish you to the basement for the rest of the day stress. Yesterday was so bad one of my team mates walked to Walgreens and bought me an ice cream sandwich.

Thankfully, after tomorrow, the kids activities are done. Caden's last soccer game is today. Payton's dance recital is tomorrow. No more rushing from dance class to practice and then home and trying to get dinner and baths and homework in before the kids have to go to bed. No more cutting my Saturday in half to take the kids to soccer games anymore. I have a little bit more me time. That is, of course, if me time is classified as more time to wipe pee off the bathroom walls** and scoop poop.

In an attempt to relax a bit, we are taking the kids to the Chancery and then to Up. Of course, this may back fire because taking the kids out to eat usually ends up being more stressful than relaxing. They usually crawl under the table, spill their milk, have to go to the bathroom 3 times, and eat about 2 bites of their $8 meal. Good thing they serve alcohol at the movies because by the time we are done with dinner I will need it.

And my parents are coming back for a visit in July. I have the entire week they are home off and we have some great plans. The beach, a Brewers game, the zoo, a fish fry, and even some 4th of July cook out and firework fun. It will be great. And they are not all interferey and tell me I am doing everything wrong parents. They are supportive and loving and sit down hun, dad and I will do the dishes kind of parents. Now I just need to make it there without killing anyone or rendering anyone unable to reproduce.

*Mommy...what if my shoes were pink? Mommy...what if we lived in that house? Mommy...what if daddy had blond hair? Mommy..what if Phantom was a girl? Mommy..what if daddy still had his old car?

**Seriously, the boy treats his penis like a fire hose. He has absolutely no aim and sprays pee everywhere. Thankfully we have tile that goes about 4 feet up the walls because it is easy clean.


This is why

I just don't understand how other women do it. How do they work, take care of their family, keep their house clean, manage their finances, keep in shape, keep up with groceries, and whatever the hell else they do! I just don't understand.

Lets take my mother for example. I am starting to believe my mom was the ultimate super woman. Our house was spotless all the time (and it was not a small house). You couldn't tell we had two birds, two cats, and two kids living in that house. The laundry was religiously done on Wednesday and Saturday. The shopping was religiously done every other Friday. The litter box was clean, the bird cage was practically poop free (and if you have ever had a bird you know how impossible a task that is). She found time to spend with my dad and her kids. She did this with minor complaining and still managed to get to bed by 9 every night and keep up with her reading! AND she worked a good 50 hours a week...with a 30 minute commute...one way! I just don't know how she did it.

Me, well hell, I haven't balanced the check book in a month. The pile of receipts in my wallet is getting so thick I can't close the thing anymore. My fitness routine has fallen by the wayside, my dinners have become chicken nuggets and pasta. I have had the cable box sitting next to the TV for a month and still haven't returned it to the mall. My car's emissions have to be tested and I haven't done it yet...my registration expires Sunday.

I think my problem is sleep. I need to get at least 10 hours of sleep a night. When I don't get 10 hours I am not a nice person to be around. If I go too many nights in a row without 10 hours I physically get sick...like throw up by the side of the road sick. Now, one would think 14 hours is a good amount of time to get stuff done in the day right? Um, no, not so much. Take into consideration getting ready time and drive time and you eliminate 2 hours...were down to 12. Take out the 8.5 hours a day I work and we are down to 3.5 hours a day. I have to cook, work out, clean, pay bills, balance the check, attempt to keep in touch with family and friends, make time for ballet, soccer, swimming, and t-ball. When do I get to spend time with my husband? When do I get to read a book that makes me cry so hard I can't read the page anymore? When do I get me time?

This is what I struggle with. This is why my poor blog is neglected. This is why I eat two ice cream cones instead of dinner. This is why I am crabby with my husband. This is why sometimes the cat runs out of food and I don't notice. This is why.


Lets hear it for the girls!

There are two ladies in my life who are like sisters to me. Unfortunately, one of those women lives way too far away. But that doesn't matter, she still found time to leave me a wonderfully funny (to us at least) post for my birthday. Thanks Mere! As of 3:31am this morning, I am 29. Just one year away from th-th-th-irty. I don't think I will make it through the year. I'm just not ready for that number which will not be named. I know, I know, in my 100 things about me post I said I was ready but I totally am not ready.

The other of those two ladies is planning on hog tying me and dragging me out tonight. Unfortunately, Payton was crying every 20 to 30 minutes from 10:45pm until 3am. I was up with her, rubbing her back, trying to soothe her, trying not to loose my cool because it totally wasn't her fault but I was totally tired and really needed to go to bed. She is a talker when she has nightmares and said some pretty funny things. What causes a 7 year old to have nightmares all friggin' night long, you ask? Here are some snippets of what I got out of here while she was mumbling in her sleep:

1) No! Don't put the cup down! It's scary! (don't put the cup down? What the hell is so frightening about a cup?)

2) Stop it Lucia, I don't want to play that game. (I couldn't get her tell me what the game was. It was a secret game and, even in her sleep, wouldn't give up the secret)

3) No Caden! Don't CADEN! That IS MY snack! (aw, a fat girl at heart)

4) CADEN! STOP IT! (I hear that all day, it just makes sense she sees it her dreams, too.)

5) CADEN! Leave me ALONE!!!!!! (hmmm...do you see a theme developing here?)

Poor little thing, her brother even torments her in her dreams.

But I digress, I am exhausted today. I will be shocked if I make it past 7pm. Maybe I will throw back some vault, go for a run, and make it until 9pm. Of course, maybe not. PK might have to drag me home and tuck me into bed.

OOOOOO! Speaking of going for a run. I have a totally new way to get a mini work out everyday! We finally have access to the stairwell. Before we could get in but only get out on the 1st or 20th floors. That means I had no choice but to take the elevator from the 4th floor (that's where I park) to the 11th floor. But, they put a little key card lock on the 11th floor stairwell so now I can take the stairs instead of the elevator. That is 7 flights up everyday. Add that to the 1.5 blocks I walk to get from my car to the door and I get a nice little mini work out in the morning!

Okay, off to enjoy my birthday with my favorite breakfast. Well, second breakfast. Joe and the kids made me waffles. but off the grocery store to buy a mocha latte and a tub of raspberries. The perfect breakfast!


Home Depot here we come

Since 12:30pm today....

.....the garage door broke. Had to pull the little string thing and manually close the door. Joe got home and it worked (of course, make me look like a complete dumbass who can't push a button). Time to get a new one.

......the washer flooded the basement. It pissed water all over the floor for several hours. If I hadn't needed ice cream and gone to check the basement freezer it would have continued to piss water all night long. Joe cleaned up the water and got the machine to drain properly. Time to get a new one.

.......the dryer started making this odd scraping noise while Joe was cleaning up the washing machine piss. He got a screw driver and made the noise go away. This is not the first noise this machine has made in the last several months. Time to get a new one.

May is not a good month for us. Last May we had to replace the carpet in the basement toy room due to a serious flood. We also had to replace our fridge last May. Looks like I will be getting a new washer/dryer/garage door for my birthday. Yeah me! I know, you are jealous. Maybe if you ask nice you can get a new garage door for your birthday too.


When men clean the carpet

Me: Hey baby, how was your night.

Joe: Fine, the dog puked on the carpet.

Me: That sucks (noticing the little green clean machine)...thanks for cleaning it up.

Joe: Yup

Two hours later

Me: Hey babe, what did you use to clean the puke up

Joe: Oxy clean

Me: Oh really, huh....did you pour is out of the spray bottle?

Joe: No, I used Oxy Clean

Me: Then why is it blue?

Joe: What?

Me: If you used Oxy clean why is the water blue? Where did you get the Oxy clean from?

Joe: From under the kitchen sink.

Me: But the Oxy clean is in the bathroom

Joe: I used those granules under the kitchen sink.

Me: (thinking about what the hell he could have used from under that sink that was blue, then I realized) You used plant food!

Joe: What?

Me: You used plant food! Is this what you used? (showing him the container)

Joe: Yup. Hey, it did a great job cleaning up the mess.

Plant food. He used miracle grow granules in the little green clean machine to clean up the dog puke. Thankfully, he did not stain the carpet. At least he cleaned it up.


Oh Payton

The scene: The four of us are in the car on the way home from Joe's birthday dinner* as we pass a construction site

Payton: What is that big blue thing over there?

Me: That is a porta potty

Payton: Ewww (giggle, giggle). That's gross.

Me: It would be great for you though because you would never have to flush again.**

Payton: (giggle, giggle). Oh! Mommy! What if (giggle) what if they men (giggle) what if they all went poop and none of them flushed and then they all had to sit on a giant mound of poop and then they would be pooping (giggle) they would be pooping on the poop!

Joe: Payton that is twisted. You have a twisted mind little girl.

Payton (giggle, giggle)

*Happy Birthday baby! For the next 7 days you are officially older than me!

**She never flushes! Never. Ever. Flushes. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into off colored and off textured poo sitting on the bottom of the bowl. Every. Single. Day.


Come on people!

Why? WHY! Why is it if you are of child bearing age and you say to someone "I've been really tired lately" or "Man I have been dizzy today" or "These headaches are driving me crazy" people automatically assume you are pregnant? And they ask "Are you pregnant???" all excited like you are going to blush and say yes.

Seriously, just because I am 29 and could probably conceive a child if I tried hard enough is the only possible explanation that Joe went and knocked me up? Do people honestly believe that the only reason a 29 year old woman can be tired or dizzy or have a headache is because she is pregnant? And don't they think if she was pregnant and that was the reason for the symptoms maybe she wouldn't announce them. Maybe she would keep that to herself?

Isn't it possible that maybe, just maybe, that 29 year old woman is helping her brother through a divorce, working 2 jobs, and trying to take care of the inside and outside of a home? Maybe her dog snores. Maybe her husband starts violently yanking the covers from her at 4am. Maybe her son grinds his teeth so fucking loud that it can be heard two rooms over. Maybe she is really busy at work and forgot to eat all god damn day. Maybe if she has meetings scheduled from 7am until 4pm didn't have time to eat. Maybe, just maybe, she is just TIRED!

So, to the 12 coworkers who asked today, I AM NOT PREGNANT! I am just tired. Yes I went to bed at 8:15 last night. Yes, I was in bed by 9 the night before. Yes, it is 9 now and I am exhausted. But if one more of you asks if I am pregnant I am going to go off on your little bitch asses and trust me, you don't want that.

Fuck, I am tired. I just read through this again and realized I referred to myself as 29 more than once. I am 28...for a few more weeks at least.