A bif of a scare

I thought I was pregnant. I didn't know how to feel about it. Ever since I had Caden I was convinced I wanted three children. Even now when both the kids are older I thought I wanted one more. I was convinced I wouldn't mind going back to diapers and car seats and paying for daycare and no sleep and being completely responsible for the life of one little human. I hint around at Joe all the time. I even convinced the kids they would love to have a baby brother or baby sister.

Then, on Wednesday, I was really tired. I fell asleep on a conference call. Thank goodness I was working from home and was only a silent listener. No one knew I was asleep. Then, when I hung up the phone, I went to sleep again for 2 hours. When I finally woke up I was sick to my stomach. It was 5 o'clock and that is when I got sick with both kids. I laid on the couch the rest of the night exhausted and nauseous. Payton had stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday because she had the flu so I figured I was getting the flu too.

Thursday was more of the same. Exhausted, sick, complete inability to concentrate. I needed to be at work because I had a really important meeting with clients at 4 so I toughed it out. I would get hungry and eat then I would get sick. Just like I did with both pregnancies. Then it happened, I needed mashed potatoes. I needed them so badly I went to the elevator and down 11 floor to the diner that sits on the first floor of my building. I ordered them and ate them like I hadn't eaten in weeks. Then I felt that I was going to throw up. That's when it hit me that I might be pregnant. All of the symptoms fit. I was excited for about 0.2 seconds. Because at 0.3 seconds I realized maybe I don't want a third child as bad as I thought I did. All that ran through my head was the diapers, the car seats, the cost! Everything I thought I was fine with. I stressed about it all day. I started trying to remember when my last period was. I knew it was sometime before Christmas but didn't know exactly when. The weekend before maybe? I also new we had a very good New Years after our guests left and the timing fit.

Friday really freaked me out. I got winded every time I walked up the stairs. You see, when I was pregnant with Caden, I got really winded walking up the hill at my aunt's house during a birthday party. I took a test immediately following the party and it was positive; Caden was on the way. I almost went to the store to buy a pregnancy test yesterday but I didn't. I think I was too scared to see what it would say.

When I woke up this morning it was very apparent that I am not pregnant. Of course, my first reaction was relief. We wouldn't have to make our three bedroom house and four passenger car fit a fifth family member. Then, about 0.3 seconds later, I was sad. I was a more than a little disappointed that we weren't having number 3. I almost cried.

Now the only thing I feel is confused. I don't know what I want. For those three days that I thought I was pregnant, holding it inside because I was too scared to say the words, the only thing going through my mind was Joe is so getting snipped as soon as he isn't working 20 days in a row. Now I just don't know. I am totally confused.

No comments: