Home Depot here we come

Since 12:30pm today....

.....the garage door broke. Had to pull the little string thing and manually close the door. Joe got home and it worked (of course, make me look like a complete dumbass who can't push a button). Time to get a new one.

......the washer flooded the basement. It pissed water all over the floor for several hours. If I hadn't needed ice cream and gone to check the basement freezer it would have continued to piss water all night long. Joe cleaned up the water and got the machine to drain properly. Time to get a new one.

.......the dryer started making this odd scraping noise while Joe was cleaning up the washing machine piss. He got a screw driver and made the noise go away. This is not the first noise this machine has made in the last several months. Time to get a new one.

May is not a good month for us. Last May we had to replace the carpet in the basement toy room due to a serious flood. We also had to replace our fridge last May. Looks like I will be getting a new washer/dryer/garage door for my birthday. Yeah me! I know, you are jealous. Maybe if you ask nice you can get a new garage door for your birthday too.

When men clean the carpet

Me: Hey baby, how was your night.

Joe: Fine, the dog puked on the carpet.

Me: That sucks (noticing the little green clean machine)...thanks for cleaning it up.

Joe: Yup

Two hours later

Me: Hey babe, what did you use to clean the puke up

Joe: Oxy clean

Me: Oh really, huh....did you pour is out of the spray bottle?

Joe: No, I used Oxy Clean

Me: Then why is it blue?

Joe: What?

Me: If you used Oxy clean why is the water blue? Where did you get the Oxy clean from?

Joe: From under the kitchen sink.

Me: But the Oxy clean is in the bathroom

Joe: I used those granules under the kitchen sink.

Me: (thinking about what the hell he could have used from under that sink that was blue, then I realized) You used plant food!

Joe: What?

Me: You used plant food! Is this what you used? (showing him the container)

Joe: Yup. Hey, it did a great job cleaning up the mess.

Plant food. He used miracle grow granules in the little green clean machine to clean up the dog puke. Thankfully, he did not stain the carpet. At least he cleaned it up.

Oh Payton

The scene: The four of us are in the car on the way home from Joe's birthday dinner* as we pass a construction site

Payton: What is that big blue thing over there?

Me: That is a porta potty

Payton: Ewww (giggle, giggle). That's gross.

Me: It would be great for you though because you would never have to flush again.**

Payton: (giggle, giggle). Oh! Mommy! What if (giggle) what if they men (giggle) what if they all went poop and none of them flushed and then they all had to sit on a giant mound of poop and then they would be pooping (giggle) they would be pooping on the poop!

Joe: Payton that is twisted. You have a twisted mind little girl.

Payton (giggle, giggle)

*Happy Birthday baby! For the next 7 days you are officially older than me!

**She never flushes! Never. Ever. Flushes. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into off colored and off textured poo sitting on the bottom of the bowl. Every. Single. Day.

Come on people!

Why? WHY! Why is it if you are of child bearing age and you say to someone "I've been really tired lately" or "Man I have been dizzy today" or "These headaches are driving me crazy" people automatically assume you are pregnant? And they ask "Are you pregnant???" all excited like you are going to blush and say yes.

Seriously, just because I am 29 and could probably conceive a child if I tried hard enough is the only possible explanation that Joe went and knocked me up? Do people honestly believe that the only reason a 29 year old woman can be tired or dizzy or have a headache is because she is pregnant? And don't they think if she was pregnant and that was the reason for the symptoms maybe she wouldn't announce them. Maybe she would keep that to herself?

Isn't it possible that maybe, just maybe, that 29 year old woman is helping her brother through a divorce, working 2 jobs, and trying to take care of the inside and outside of a home? Maybe her dog snores. Maybe her husband starts violently yanking the covers from her at 4am. Maybe her son grinds his teeth so fucking loud that it can be heard two rooms over. Maybe she is really busy at work and forgot to eat all god damn day. Maybe if she has meetings scheduled from 7am until 4pm didn't have time to eat. Maybe, just maybe, she is just TIRED!

So, to the 12 coworkers who asked today, I AM NOT PREGNANT! I am just tired. Yes I went to bed at 8:15 last night. Yes, I was in bed by 9 the night before. Yes, it is 9 now and I am exhausted. But if one more of you asks if I am pregnant I am going to go off on your little bitch asses and trust me, you don't want that.

Fuck, I am tired. I just read through this again and realized I referred to myself as 29 more than once. I am 28...for a few more weeks at least.

Ds how I love thee, let me count the ways

Payton got DS for Christmas. Caden got one for his birthday. We mulled over the decision to buy him a DS. He was just 5, he couldn't read yet, the games are a bit harder than the Leapster, blah blah blah. Anyway, we gave in and got him one.

And we couldn't have been more wrong! Not only is he just the right age for a DS but he totally rocks at it. He could kick my ass in Mario any day. And he totally kicks ass in Sonic. DS has made my life so much easier. No longer do I hear the words that are like nails on a chalk board - "I'm bored" No longer do I need to encourage the kids to play nice because now they just play next to each other.

Of course they are not allowed to play it in the morning before school and have some pretty strict limits when the weather is nice. But come night fall the DS gets turned on and there is peace in my life again. The kids giggle and laugh with each other as they battle on Mario. They joyfully watch Daddy get to level 8 and beat the castle while I joyfully sit in bed and read a book. Yes! I actually read a book! With big words and small print! And no pictures! Books with sex in them! Books about murder and lust and affairs. Naughty books!

The DS has saved my life. The more they play the better they get. The better they get the less I have to help. The less I have to help the more I can do things that I enjoy. The more I do things I enjoy, the happier I get. I love you DS. Please, never leave me.

They're baaaack

We don't like squirrels in our house. They dig holes in the yard and in the new mulch. They eat the bird seed and my plants. We hate squirrels. Last year, Joe was getting so pissed at the squirrels he started shooting them with a paintball gun. It took him until August to to get so pissed off that he resorted to shooting them. Correction, shooting near them. He didn't want to kill them, just scare them.

A few weeks ago I was washing dishes and saw a squirrel digging in the mulch. It would dig them jump up on a bench and stare in the window right at me. It was like it was taunting me. Then it would turn around, shake it's tail, and do it all over again. I called Joe to come watch this little fucker screw with us and he was pissed.

He went into the basement to get the paintball gun. He stood at the backdoor, gun in hand, and aimed at the squirrel. I braced for the fire and the little squirrel squeal but it never came. Instead, I heard pssssssssst.....plop. Joe had run out of CO2. Instead of hitting the squirrel, the paintball rolled out of the barrel and landed on the patio. Now, instead of being squirrel free, I have a red paint stain on the patio and squirrels who mock me. Just fucking great.

Mommy daughter time

Caden was with his aunt and uncle. Payton was dressed in her pretty little butterfly costume, ballet pink tights, and shoes. Her hair was in a bun and she had baby pink lipstick on her lips. We hopped in the car and headed to have Payton's ballet and jazz class pictures taken. The parking lot looked a bit empty when we arrived. Considering the entire studio was having pictures taken that day it seemed a bit odd.

Then I noticed it, the tiny little note taped to the studio door: "Because of Oconomowoc high school's closing due suspected swine flu and the health boards recommendation to avoid gatherings of 50 or more, we will be canceling/rescheduling picture day." Dammit. I drove all the way out the Delafield only to find out the event was cancelled.

So what is a girl and her mom supposed to do when an hour and a half of their day has just been freed up? Go shopping of course! We headed out the store to buy shoes, purses, and dresses. And shop we did! Payton walked away with 3 new pairs of shoes and, despite his absence, Caden landed 2 pairs of shoes. Payton also got two pretty sun dresses because what is summer without pretty sun dresses.

Of course, picking out the dresses took up quite a bit of time. We had an hour and a half until we needed to leave the store and she spent about an hour of that time picking out dresses. The selection of dresses was just too good. She just couldn't decide. She would pick out a few, try them on, and reject them. They were too short, not pink enough, didn't spin right, or too long. It took about 45 minutes to get the first dress. The second came much quicker. We were about to give up and leave with just one when we saw it sticking out of the racks. We tried it on and she loved it.

She was so excited about the dress she started jumping up and down in the dressing room. She didn't have a shirt on and noticed her non existent boobs were bouncing up and down. Actually, it was the skin that would eventually become boobs. She was so excited that it was bouncing she jumped higher and said "Look mommy! My boobies are bouncing! Look at them bounce!" I heard giggling from the room next to us and decided it was time to go. Payton got her shirt on, we paid, and headed home.

In the car on the way home she told me her boobs were getting so big because she had a baby in her tummy. Otherwise they wouldn't have been able to bounce that good. I guess I am going to be a grandma at 28. That must some kind of record or something.