La Chambre d'Orchidee

Too much

2009-05-30T08:29:00.002-05:00

So I have been struggling with things a lot lately and it has been causing a bit of stress in my life. Okay, that may be an understatement. It has been causing a lot of stress in my life. A lot of if you look at me wrong I will rip your testicles off and hang them in my cube stress. Ask mommy one more "what if*" question and I will banish you to the basement for the rest of the day stress. Yesterday was so bad one of my team mates walked to Walgreens and bought me an ice cream sandwich.

Thankfully, after tomorrow, the kids activities are done. Caden's last soccer game is today. Payton's dance recital is tomorrow. No more rushing from dance class to practice and then home and trying to get dinner and baths and homework in before the kids have to go to bed. No more cutting my Saturday in half to take the kids to soccer games anymore. I have a little bit more me time. That is, of course, if me time is classified as more time to wipe pee off the bathroom walls** and scoop poop.

In an attempt to relax a bit, we are taking the kids to the Chancery and then to Up. Of course, this may back fire because taking the kids out to eat usually ends up being more stressful than relaxing. They usually crawl under the table, spill their milk, have to go to the bathroom 3 times, and eat about 2 bites of their $8 meal. Good thing they serve alcohol at the movies because by the time we are done with dinner I will need it.

And my parents are coming back for a visit in July. I have the entire week they are home off and we have some great plans. The beach, a Brewers game, the zoo, a fish fry, and even some 4th of July cook out and firework fun. It will be great. And they are not all interferey and tell me I am doing everything wrong parents. They are supportive and loving and sit down hun, dad and I will do the dishes kind of parents. Now I just need to make it there without killing anyone or rendering anyone unable to reproduce.

*Mommy...what if my shoes were pink? Mommy...what if we lived in that house? Mommy...what if daddy had blond hair? Mommy..what if Phantom was a girl? Mommy..what if daddy still had his old car?

**Seriously, the boy treats his penis like a fire hose. He has absolutely no aim and sprays pee everywhere. Thankfully we have tile that goes about 4 feet up the walls because it is easy clean.

This is why

2009-05-28T21:58:00.003-05:00

I just don't understand how other women do it. How do they work, take care of their family, keep their house clean, manage their finances, keep in shape, keep up with groceries, and whatever the hell else they do! I just don't understand.

Lets take my mother for example. I am starting to believe my mom was the ultimate super woman. Our house was spotless all the time (and it was not a small house). You couldn't tell we had two birds, two cats, and two kids living in that house. The laundry was religiously done on Wednesday and Saturday. The shopping was religiously done every other Friday. The litter box was clean, the bird cage was practically poop free (and if you have ever had a bird you know how impossible a task that is). She found time to spend with my dad and her kids. She did this with minor complaining and still managed to get to bed by 9 every night and keep up with her reading! AND she worked a good 50 hours a week...with a 30 minute commute...one way! I just don't know how she did it.

Me, well hell, I haven't balanced the check book in a month. The pile of receipts in my wallet is getting so thick I can't close the thing anymore. My fitness routine has fallen by the wayside, my dinners have become chicken nuggets and pasta. I have had the cable box sitting next to the TV for a month and still haven't returned it to the mall. My car's emissions have to be tested and I haven't done it yet...my registration expires Sunday.

I think my problem is sleep. I need to get at least 10 hours of sleep a night. When I don't get 10 hours I am not a nice person to be around. If I go too many nights in a row without 10 hours I physically get sick...like throw up by the side of the road sick. Now, one would think 14 hours is a good amount of time to get stuff done in the day right? Um, no, not so much. Take into consideration getting ready time and drive time and you eliminate 2 hours...were down to 12. Take out the 8.5 hours a day I work and we are down to 3.5 hours a day. I have to cook, work out, clean, pay bills, balance the check, attempt to keep in touch with family and friends, make time for ballet, soccer, swimming, and t-ball. When do I get to spend time with my husband? When do I get to read a book that makes me cry so hard I can't read the page anymore? When do I get me time?

This is what I struggle with. This is why my poor blog is neglected. This is why I eat two ice cream cones instead of dinner. This is why I am crabby with my husband. This is why sometimes the cat runs out of food and I don't notice. This is why.

Lets hear it for the girls!

2009-05-20T08:13:00.003-05:00

There are two ladies in my life who are like sisters to me. Unfortunately, one of those women lives way too far away. But that doesn't matter, she still found time to leave me a wonderfully funny (to us at least) post for my birthday. Thanks Mere! As of 3:31am this morning, I am 29. Just one year away from th-th-th-irty. I don't think I will make it through the year. I'm just not ready for that number which will not be named. I know, I know, in my 100 things about me post I said I was ready but I totally am not ready.

The other of those two ladies is planning on hog tying me and dragging me out tonight. Unfortunately, Payton was crying every 20 to 30 minutes from 10:45pm until 3am. I was up with her, rubbing her back, trying to soothe her, trying not to loose my cool because it totally wasn't her fault but I was totally tired and really needed to go to bed. She is a talker when she has nightmares and said some pretty funny things. What causes a 7 year old to have nightmares all friggin' night long, you ask? Here are some snippets of what I got out of here while she was mumbling in her sleep:

1) No! Don't put the cup down! It's scary! (don't put the cup down? What the hell is so frightening about a cup?)

2) Stop it Lucia, I don't want to play that game. (I couldn't get her tell me what the game was. It was a secret game and, even in her sleep, wouldn't give up the secret)

3) No Caden! Don't CADEN! That IS MY snack! (aw, a fat girl at heart)

4) CADEN! STOP IT! (I hear that all day, it just makes sense she sees it her dreams, too.)

5) CADEN! Leave me ALONE!!!!!! (hmmm...do you see a theme developing here?)

Poor little thing, her brother even torments her in her dreams.

But I digress, I am exhausted today. I will be shocked if I make it past 7pm. Maybe I will throw back some vault, go for a run, and make it until 9pm. Of course, maybe not. PK might have to drag me home and tuck me into bed.

OOOOOO! Speaking of going for a run. I have a totally new way to get a mini work out everyday! We finally have access to the stairwell. Before we could get in but only get out on the 1st or 20th floors. That means I had no choice but to take the elevator from the 4th floor (that's where I park) to the 11th floor. But, they put a little key card lock on the 11th floor stairwell so now I can take the stairs instead of the elevator. That is 7 flights up everyday. Add that to the 1.5 blocks I walk to get from my car to the door and I get a nice little mini work out in the morning!

Okay, off to enjoy my birthday with my favorite breakfast. Well, second breakfast. Joe and the kids made me waffles. but off the grocery store to buy a mocha latte and a tub of raspberries. The perfect breakfast!

Home Depot here we come

2009-05-18T22:24:00.002-05:00

Since 12:30pm today....

.....the garage door broke. Had to pull the little string thing and manually close the door. Joe got home and it worked (of course, make me look like a complete dumbass who can't push a button). Time to get a new one.

......the washer flooded the basement. It pissed water all over the floor for several hours. If I hadn't needed ice cream and gone to check the basement freezer it would have continued to piss water all night long. Joe cleaned up the water and got the machine to drain properly. Time to get a new one.

.......the dryer started making this odd scraping noise while Joe was cleaning up the washing machine piss. He got a screw driver and made the noise go away. This is not the first noise this machine has made in the last several months. Time to get a new one.

May is not a good month for us. Last May we had to replace the carpet in the basement toy room due to a serious flood. We also had to replace our fridge last May. Looks like I will be getting a new washer/dryer/garage door for my birthday. Yeah me! I know, you are jealous. Maybe if you ask nice you can get a new garage door for your birthday too.

When men clean the carpet

2009-05-17T21:51:00.002-05:00

Me: Hey baby, how was your night.

Joe: Fine, the dog puked on the carpet.

Me: That sucks (noticing the little green clean machine)...thanks for cleaning it up.

Joe: Yup

Two hours later

Me: Hey babe, what did you use to clean the puke up

Joe: Oxy clean

Me: Oh really, huh....did you pour is out of the spray bottle?

Joe: No, I used Oxy Clean

Me: Then why is it blue?

Joe: What?

Me: If you used Oxy clean why is the water blue? Where did you get the Oxy clean from?

Joe: From under the kitchen sink.

Me: But the Oxy clean is in the bathroom

Joe: I used those granules under the kitchen sink.

Me: (thinking about what the hell he could have used from under that sink that was blue, then I realized) You used plant food!

Joe: What?

Me: You used plant food! Is this what you used? (showing him the container)

Joe: Yup. Hey, it did a great job cleaning up the mess.

Plant food. He used miracle grow granules in the little green clean machine to clean up the dog puke. Thankfully, he did not stain the carpet. At least he cleaned it up.

Oh Payton

2009-05-13T22:45:00.003-05:00

The scene: The four of us are in the car on the way home from Joe's birthday dinner* as we pass a construction site

Payton: What is that big blue thing over there?

Me: That is a porta potty

Payton: Ewww (giggle, giggle). That's gross.

Me: It would be great for you though because you would never have to flush again.**

Payton: (giggle, giggle). Oh! Mommy! What if (giggle) what if they men (giggle) what if they all went poop and none of them flushed and then they all had to sit on a giant mound of poop and then they would be pooping (giggle) they would be pooping on the poop!

Joe: Payton that is twisted. You have a twisted mind little girl.

Payton (giggle, giggle)

*Happy Birthday baby! For the next 7 days you are officially older than me!

**She never flushes! Never. Ever. Flushes. I can't tell you how many times I have walked into off colored and off textured poo sitting on the bottom of the bowl. Every. Single. Day.

Come on people!

2009-05-08T20:49:00.002-05:00

Why? WHY! Why is it if you are of child bearing age and you say to someone "I've been really tired lately" or "Man I have been dizzy today" or "These headaches are driving me crazy" people automatically assume you are pregnant? And they ask "Are you pregnant???" all excited like you are going to blush and say yes.

Seriously, just because I am 29 and could probably conceive a child if I tried hard enough is the only possible explanation that Joe went and knocked me up? Do people honestly believe that the only reason a 29 year old woman can be tired or dizzy or have a headache is because she is pregnant? And don't they think if she was pregnant and that was the reason for the symptoms maybe she wouldn't announce them. Maybe she would keep that to herself?

Isn't it possible that maybe, just maybe, that 29 year old woman is helping her brother through a divorce, working 2 jobs, and trying to take care of the inside and outside of a home? Maybe her dog snores. Maybe her husband starts violently yanking the covers from her at 4am. Maybe her son grinds his teeth so fucking loud that it can be heard two rooms over. Maybe she is really busy at work and forgot to eat all god damn day. Maybe if she has meetings scheduled from 7am until 4pm didn't have time to eat. Maybe, just maybe, she is just TIRED!

So, to the 12 coworkers who asked today, I AM NOT PREGNANT! I am just tired. Yes I went to bed at 8:15 last night. Yes, I was in bed by 9 the night before. Yes, it is 9 now and I am exhausted. But if one more of you asks if I am pregnant I am going to go off on your little bitch asses and trust me, you don't want that.

Fuck, I am tired. I just read through this again and realized I referred to myself as 29 more than once. I am 28...for a few more weeks at least.

Ds how I love thee, let me count the ways

2009-05-06T19:57:00.002-05:00

Payton got DS for Christmas. Caden got one for his birthday. We mulled over the decision to buy him a DS. He was just 5, he couldn't read yet, the games are a bit harder than the Leapster, blah blah blah. Anyway, we gave in and got him one.

And we couldn't have been more wrong! Not only is he just the right age for a DS but he totally rocks at it. He could kick my ass in Mario any day. And he totally kicks ass in Sonic. DS has made my life so much easier. No longer do I hear the words that are like nails on a chalk board - "I'm bored" No longer do I need to encourage the kids to play nice because now they just play next to each other.

Of course they are not allowed to play it in the morning before school and have some pretty strict limits when the weather is nice. But come night fall the DS gets turned on and there is peace in my life again. The kids giggle and laugh with each other as they battle on Mario. They joyfully watch Daddy get to level 8 and beat the castle while I joyfully sit in bed and read a book. Yes! I actually read a book! With big words and small print! And no pictures! Books with sex in them! Books about murder and lust and affairs. Naughty books!

The DS has saved my life. The more they play the better they get. The better they get the less I have to help. The less I have to help the more I can do things that I enjoy. The more I do things I enjoy, the happier I get. I love you DS. Please, never leave me.

They're baaaack

2009-05-05T22:53:00.003-05:00

We don't like squirrels in our house. They dig holes in the yard and in the new mulch. They eat the bird seed and my plants. We hate squirrels. Last year, Joe was getting so pissed at the squirrels he started shooting them with a paintball gun. It took him until August to to get so pissed off that he resorted to shooting them. Correction, shooting near them. He didn't want to kill them, just scare them.

A few weeks ago I was washing dishes and saw a squirrel digging in the mulch. It would dig them jump up on a bench and stare in the window right at me. It was like it was taunting me. Then it would turn around, shake it's tail, and do it all over again. I called Joe to come watch this little fucker screw with us and he was pissed.

He went into the basement to get the paintball gun. He stood at the backdoor, gun in hand, and aimed at the squirrel. I braced for the fire and the little squirrel squeal but it never came. Instead, I heard pssssssssst.....plop. Joe had run out of CO2. Instead of hitting the squirrel, the paintball rolled out of the barrel and landed on the patio. Now, instead of being squirrel free, I have a red paint stain on the patio and squirrels who mock me. Just fucking great.

Mommy daughter time

2009-05-04T07:53:00.004-05:00

Caden was with his aunt and uncle. Payton was dressed in her pretty little butterfly costume, ballet pink tights, and shoes. Her hair was in a bun and she had baby pink lipstick on her lips. We hopped in the car and headed to have Payton's ballet and jazz class pictures taken. The parking lot looked a bit empty when we arrived. Considering the entire studio was having pictures taken that day it seemed a bit odd.

Then I noticed it, the tiny little note taped to the studio door: "Because of Oconomowoc high school's closing due suspected swine flu and the health boards recommendation to avoid gatherings of 50 or more, we will be canceling/rescheduling picture day." Dammit. I drove all the way out the Delafield only to find out the event was cancelled.

So what is a girl and her mom supposed to do when an hour and a half of their day has just been freed up? Go shopping of course! We headed out the store to buy shoes, purses, and dresses. And shop we did! Payton walked away with 3 new pairs of shoes and, despite his absence, Caden landed 2 pairs of shoes. Payton also got two pretty sun dresses because what is summer without pretty sun dresses.

Of course, picking out the dresses took up quite a bit of time. We had an hour and a half until we needed to leave the store and she spent about an hour of that time picking out dresses. The selection of dresses was just too good. She just couldn't decide. She would pick out a few, try them on, and reject them. They were too short, not pink enough, didn't spin right, or too long. It took about 45 minutes to get the first dress. The second came much quicker. We were about to give up and leave with just one when we saw it sticking out of the racks. We tried it on and she loved it.

She was so excited about the dress she started jumping up and down in the dressing room. She didn't have a shirt on and noticed her non existent boobs were bouncing up and down. Actually, it was the skin that would eventually become boobs. She was so excited that it was bouncing she jumped higher and said "Look mommy! My boobies are bouncing! Look at them bounce!" I heard giggling from the room next to us and decided it was time to go. Payton got her shirt on, we paid, and headed home.

In the car on the way home she told me her boobs were getting so big because she had a baby in her tummy. Otherwise they wouldn't have been able to bounce that good. I guess I am going to be a grandma at 28. That must some kind of record or something.

Hellllloooooooo

2009-05-02T07:54:00.002-05:00

Eh hem....Helllooooo....Is this thing on.....anyone out there???? So, um, yeah, it has been a while. Like two weeks awhile. Our lives have been unbelievably busy since Easter. We have something going on every night of the week and most weekend days. I have been struggling to find time to pay my bills and clean my house and exercise and I just haven't been able to find time to blog. The only time the computer gets touched anymore is to record deductions from the checkbook or work from home. I haven't even been on Facebook in two weeks!

The dog has been sick. I have cleaned up poopy diarrhea and dog puke multiple times over the last week. He seems to be better now and I washed his toys to make sure any lingering bacteria was killed. Unfortunately, the carpet in the living room and dining room will never be the same.

I have been tired lately. I have been in bed by 9:30 most nights. Thankfully we are slow at work right now so I haven't been working more than 45 to 50 hours a week. Of course it is nice out now so the yard and the house need attention. I have been doing a lot of planting this year and I am not even close to being done. Plus, we have maple trees and the little helicopter things fall to the ground and plant themselves and I have to pull up about 100 little baby trees every week. I am fixing up an area of the yard that has been neglected the past few years and am really excited about it. I will post some before and afters.

The boy started to play soccer which takes up extra time. Monday nights and Saturdays are now soccer days. I am a soccer mom....but I will not become that mom. You know the one I am talking about. The obsessive, yelling, pushing, screaming, annoying mom. That will not be me.

My poor brother is going through a divorce. His father in law died and his wife lost it. Just days after the death she moved out and then sent him a text....yes, a text, that she wanted a divorce. The little bitch ended their 10 year relationship with a text. And now she is working at Silk Exotic (just in case the name doesn't give it away it is a strip club). She certainly is putting her fake boobs to good use. Jason has been really lonely and I can't say that I blame him. He has been spending a lot of time here. He is usually here once a week for dinner and Saturday just to hang out.

So that's it for now. I little update. I am not dead. I am just busy. I am struggling to make time in my life for things. I lost my balance and I need to find it again. Hopefully it will be back soon, my lack of balance is making me really, really crabby.

Okay, off to take the boy to soccer, go to the grocery store, start a slow cooker dinner, work in the yard, clean the house, take the girl to have ballet pictures taken, and then entertain 4 friends at dinner. See...busy. And it sucks!

Drinkin' with the boys

2009-04-17T21:42:00.002-05:00

Remember yesterday when I said I was going to be drinking tonight...I am totally drinking tonight! We started with a Malibu and pineapple. Then we did a shot of straight Malibu, then a slippery nipple, then a blow job, then something with vodka, then something else with more rum....and now I am having a good ole time with the boys! And Joe! Wow! He is having a great time!

Pretty soon we will open up the vodka because we have almost tapped the rum.

Oh shit, the hall light is flashing on and off...and on...and off. The girl is awake which means we are being way too loud.

Alright she is back in bed and my fingers are starting to tingle...perhaps a sign of too much rum? Of course not! There is no such thing as too much rum!

Okay, time to go do more shots! Real post to come soon, I promise!

Hey, no misspellings found! Maybe I should write and drink more often!

A crappy cop out

2009-04-16T20:22:00.004-05:00

It has been a little while, I know. It isn't that I don't have anything to post about because I do. We have just been busy. I have a lot to update you on. Here is a taste of what is to come when I get off my ass write a real blog post.

Joe vs. the Squirrel
My adrenaline junky daughter
The fart heard round the world
My dream jobs (a meme courtesy of Tiff)
An egg hunt
The boy and his penis
My poor brother
Is is possible to have pregnancy brain and not be pregnant?

Stop back in a few days for a few more posts with some actual substance. And definitely stop back tomorrow night because J is coming over to do shots so I can just imagine what that post will be like!

A New Me - Week....um....oh Hell I don't know

2009-04-06T11:35:00.003-05:00

I need to get back on the treadmill and the yoga ball and the weights. I have been so bad lately. I'm not sure how but I will find time to start exercising again. I have a feeling my eating habits (most of the time they are good but I can't fight my cravings. Okay, I can fight them but I usually don't try very hard) will not allow to stay at my happy weight. Take, for example, the dinner I had last night. My intention was to have a Bocca burger with some fruit. But, Joe called me at work and said my brother was coming over. I knew he wouldn't eat a Bocca so my mind started wandering, trying to decide what to feed him.

That is when it came to me like a message from heaven.....a ponza rotta. I know, I know, you are all thinking what in the hell is a ponza rotta. Because unless you have spent a good deal of time in Waukesha (and 99% of you have not) you have no idea what I am talking about. It is food from the gods. It is amazing. When you take a bite, grease actually drips down your hand all the way to your elbow! Think of it as a deep fried calzone only 300 times better. I can't even put into words how amazing these creations are. The restaurant is in a dirty nasty part of the city and hasn't been remodeled since 1970 and they only take cash. Despite this, they are busy all the time. Their parking lot is full and they always have piles of take outs waiting to be picked up. If they ever close their doors, I will cry.

So, I ate about 3,000 calories for dinner last night and I doubt my hips and ass are happy about it. For that reason, I need to start working out again. My will power is not strong enough to stay away from my favorites. Looks like it is time to get reacquainted with with the treadmill.

More baby news

2009-04-03T11:12:00.003-05:00

Last weekend Joe's sisters came over to pick up girl scout cookies. They were heading out for a girl's night in the area and decided to stop in. He has two sisters and we aren't very close to either of them. I wish we were closer for the kids sake but stuff has happened that maybe I will go into later and we just aren't close.

Anyway, his middle sister asked us what we were doing in September. Umm....going to your annual fall party and son's birthday party? Then she said "how about being an aunt and uncle again?" I got fake excited (again, not really close) and told her how happy I was and congrats and when are you due and how far along are you and all the things you ask people who are expecting. Then she laughs and says not me! Her! And points to the oldest sister who turns to the side and shows off her belly which is now housing her 5th, that is right FIFTH, child.

Hold on, I say! Back the motha fuckin' truck up! Your husband had a vasectomy, like, 6 years ago! How did this happen? Turns out he had it reversed last summer. They wanted a 5th child so badly he let some guy cut up and poke around in his happy place not once but twice! Holy hell that just isn't right!

She said they felt like there was something missing. Now, I totally understand this feeling because I feel it at least 4 times a week (not this week though because we are ready to send the kids to boarding school). I just don't know if I would still feel that way if our four bedroom house was already holding 6 people, four of which were all potty trained, no longer in need of daycare, and quite independent. They are going back to the beginning. I am a little jealous and a little not jealous all at the same time. So.......

Congrats Andrea, Tim, and family!

.......and good luck.

Bribery - I love it!

2009-04-01T14:14:00.002-05:00

I just bribed Caden with candy to go into the basement to get me a soda. Ah soda. She is my nemesis. I gave it up for awhile when I started this eating healthy crap. I was doing so well for so long. I had bottles of Coke in the basement and I didn't touch them. Then the kids birthday party came along and I figured I could have one soda. What could it hurt.

The second that sweet fizzy brown goodness passed my lips I was hooked again. Now I bribe the boy to go into the basement to get me soda. At least it is diet this time.

I'm a pear

2009-04-01T10:50:00.002-05:00

I haven't done a new me post in a while but it is not because I haven't been working to achieve my goal - it is because the gods came down and shat on us and I have been trying to regain my composure ever since. So today I bring you a belated new me post.

I haven't been on the treadmill in a long time. I feel bad about it but I feel like I haven't had time. I have been saying to myself I have to get back on the treadmill but somehow morning turns to bedtime and I still haven't gotten back on the treadmill. Thankfully summer is approaching and I am much more active in the summer.

I have continued to eat well and Joe has been a big help with that. Our local grocery store has had some great deals on healthy foods lately and I have taken advantage of it. I love going on the healthy eating page at foodnetwork.com. It has so many great recipes that are easy and really good for you. I have also discovered the amazingness that is ground chicken. It is cheaper than ground beef and so much better for you. We made meatball subs with ground chicken on Saturday and they were amazing!

But, it seems like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to slim out my ass and thighs. My chest is better known as the incredible shrinking boobs, my waist and tummy are slimming and becoming flat again but my ass...oh my ass! It just won't go away! I went to get measured for a bridesmaid dress on Sunday. My boobs measured a 4 (dammit), my waist a 6 (getting bigger) and my hips/ass measured a 10! What the hell is up with that! I used to be a nice little hour glass shape with full breasts, a little waist, and firm tight bottom. Now, I am a pear.

I need to try to find exercises that will concentrate on my butt and thighs. It is time to start kicking that pears ass!

Sigh, time for bras again

2009-03-25T13:02:00.004-05:00

I have been really lazy since I started working from home in September. The three days a week I am home I pull my hair into a pony tail, brush my teeth and settle in on the couch with a blanket and the laptop. Around 8:40 I realize Caden has to go to school and I am still in jammies. So, I change out of jammy pants, into jeans, throw on a jacket and head out the door.

Of course, as all you parents out there know, I also have to beg and plead with Caden to stay on task and GET YOUR SHOES ON! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SOCKS ON! PLEASE PUT YOUR COAT ON! OH MY GOD WE ARE LATE! WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!! We always manage to make it to school just as the teachers are calling the kids into the classroom.

But, alas, spring is here. It is getting warmer and I don't need to put a coat on anymore. While many of you may think this is a wonderful thing I find it throws a knot in my carefully planned morning schedules. Not wearing a coat means my shirt is no longer covered by a large oversized snowboard jacket. This means I not only have to put on a respectable shirt but I also have to, gasp! put on a bra!

I haven't worn a bra on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday since it got cold enough that I had to wear a jacket and quickly realized everything was covered! I didn't even have to change shirts! No bra! Comfy jammie shirt! Life couldn't be better.

But, alas, it was not meant to be. I enjoy going au naturale but I don't think 20 other moms and grandmas are going to want to see my sagging, breast fed two babies, lost nearly 20 lbs boobs nipping out through a way too thin, cost $3 at Kohl's, cotton tee shirt that I slept in the night before. Come to think of it, I don't know why Joe didn't say something months ago. That can't be a pretty sight.

Do you think the syrup will taste like poop?

2009-03-24T23:08:00.003-05:00

While at the park on Saturday Caden decided he had to poop...really bad. We had two choices. We could walk home and poop at home but probably wouldn't go back to the park or we can risk going to the park bathroom a block away hoping it was unlocked. Caden isn't stupid. He knew if we went home we wouldn't go back to the park so he chose the park bathrooms. After walking to the block to get there we discovered they were locked until April 13th as a means of saving money.

So, off to the house we went. They entire way Payton kept insisting we should just let him poop in a bush or by a tree. She didn't really want to leave the park either. I reminded her pooping in public park wasn't an appropriate action and we should keep our poop in the toilet.

After we got home and he did his business, we headed out back for a little play time. It was 65 and sunny and I wasn't about to spend the day inside. We played for several hours and Payton kept bringing up pooping on a tree. I kept telling her there is no reason to poop in the tree when the bathroom is right inside the back door. But she pushed and pushed. She even pretended to pull her pants down behind the tree.

I lost it. I got up from my chair and told her to stop. I was forceful and stern and it was clear I was not happy with her behavior. She stopped and there was no more poop talk. She obviously understood she overstepped her bounds.

At least I thought she understood. Sunday morning, while I was hiding from the sunlight behind the curtains and under the covers, Joe came into our room PISSED OFF. He told me he couldn't deal with her alone and he needed me. Payton had just squatted and pooped a giant green poo on my beautiful maple tree. I was mad. I sent her to her room in order to decide her punishment. She was pretty upset when I went to deliver the law. She was hiding under her bed and wouldn't come out.

I had her get her shoes on and clean up the poop. I grounded her from friends for the week and was tempted to take the Nintendo away. Then I realized taking the Nintendo away was more of a punishment for me and thought it would be smart to let her keep it.

Who ever thought a 7 year old little miss priss would find it amusing to take a crap on a tree? Certainly not me. I guess I shouldn't put anything past my little monsters.

Rebirth

2009-03-21T18:18:00.002-05:00

I looked outside this morning and saw my crocuses were blooming. I put on jeans and sweatshirt and went outside to clear the dead plant material left over from last year. The sedum had little buds poking out of the brown earth. The lillies and irises were were popping out as well. The baptisa and bachelor buttons were poking out. The hyacinth, tulips, and daffodils won't be far behind. It is spring in Wisconsin. It is time for rebirth and renewal. Lord knows our family can use it.

It has been quite a craptastic week for our family. Actually, it has been quite a craptastic month. Things got horrid on February 12th and have been getting worse ever since. Shall we review? February 12th my dad experienced the worst day of his life and I felt absolutely helpless. Since then, Joe has been in three accidents. One with Payton in the car. The worst of the accidents happened on March 12th (four weeks to day of my dad's accident) and his car was totaled. It had been out of the shop after being repaired from the last accident for 1 day.

Everything seemed to snowball from there. My aunt, who is more like a second mother, lost her dog. She was 12 and lived an amazing life but it is still sad. We found out my uncle will be undergoing procedures to become a woman. My aunt and uncle are ending their 22 year marriage. My brother's father in law died. He was on vacation is FL and had a massive heart attack. It was completely unexpected. He was in his early 60's and left behind a wife, son, and daughter. Then my brother found out some very upsetting news about his wife and is considering leaving her. He is lost and confused and doesn't know if he can handle this. He is my only brother and I ache for him. Joe's grandma was admitted to the hospital. She wasn't eating and was very weak. They thought it was time to move her to a nursing home. Simply craptastic. What else could possibly go wrong?

Thankfully, things are looking up. Joe's grandma has made a strong recovery and our fears that she may need to move to a nursing home have been wiped away. Joe found a car he likes and it looks like we will be able to pay cash for it. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to do with our tax return but I don't want to go from one car payment to two. My brother is coping. We spent the day together and the kids really took his mind off of his situation. After much soul searching, I decided that yes, I will be able to accept my uncle as a women. He will still be the same person, he will just be a different gender. My only fear is the divorce will pull him away from the family and we won't see him again. I hope with all my heart that doesn't happen.

Please send your good thoughts our way. I am afraid to answer the phone for fear of what bad news might find it's way into our life.

So, Um, Huh.

2009-03-16T17:06:00.002-05:00

The kids birthday party was this weekend. It was a great party. The chili was spicy, the artichoke dip was hot, and the cheesecake was irresistible. The kids had a wonderful time and got some great gifts. Joe especially loved several of Caden's gifts. I think his favorite is the blowdart toy my brother gave him. Of course, he really likes the cyborg as well.

Now the conversation was a little more interesting and I am still trying to digest everything that was said yesterday. There was so much I don't even know where to begin. I guess the beginning is best since starting in the middle won't make too much sense.

When I was 15 I moved in with my aunt and uncle for a summer so I could be their nanny. My cousin was 6. My aunt and uncle had just moved into a new house and wanted some help. I was always really close to my aunt and uncle. She is my godmother and I hardly remember a time when my uncle wasn't around.

About a year ago, my uncle moved to New York to work. He spent 2 weeks in New York and 2 weeks at home. It worked from them. My cousin was in college and my aunt had three dogs to keep her company. They seemed happy. It seemed like it was working for them.

I am sure you think you know where this is going but I promise you you have no idea. At the party yesterday my aunts disappeared into Caden's room and were gone for more than an hour. One of the dogs died yesterday so I thought they were talking about the dog. But then she pulled me, Joe, and some other family members aside for a private conversation. She told us her and my uncle were getting divorced...because my uncle was transitioning to a woman.

I will give you a minute to digest what I just said....ready? Good cause I am still trying to take it all in. My uncle is transitioning to a woman. He will stay in New York full time. I don't know when, or if, I will ever see him again. I am sad. I am in shock. My biggest concern his my uncle's...my aunt's????....health. He has substance abuse issues about 10 years ago and I am afraid he will fall off the wagon. His lifestyle recently has not been that of someone trying to stay sober. Of course, his substance abuse issues make more sense now.

I don't have good way to end this post. My uncle is going to be my aunt and I probably won't see him again until my cousin gets married and then maybe never again? And my poor cousin. Ugh. That is an entirely different post. How would you react if you found out, at age 20, your dad was not going to be a man anymore?

A new definition of normal

2009-03-11T18:07:00.003-05:00

Today is the first day I have felt normal since last Wednesday. Of course, I still feel kind of crappy but I felt well enough to start picking up a bit. I wish I had stayed sick so I didn't have to see what has happened to my house over the last 7 days. It really is quite scary. There are crumbs on the table from dinners and breakfasts past. There are traces of muddy dog prints on the kitchen floor. The bathroom. Oh hell don't even get me started on the bathroom. And my poor fat kitty has been living with a dirty litter box for far too many days.

Perhaps the most disturbing bit that I found was in the bathroom. While doing my business I noticed the garbage was getting a bit full. There has been a lotta nose blowin' going on around this place. I grabbed a plastic bag and emptied the can. As the trash fell from the can into the bag I smelled something. That something was so strong it made me gag. As I pulled the can away from the bag I nearly choked. I looked down and saw every single kleenex in the garbage bag was soaked with pee. The bottom of the garbage can was covered in pee. I could see where it had dripped down the side of the can and made on ring on the tile. Ew! Ugh! Gross! I could feel it on my hands.

It had to be the boy. I just can't picture Payton squatting over the garbage to do her business. Caden, on the other hand, would definitely decide the garbage is good place relieve himself. So I asked him:

Me: Caden! Get in here!

C: Okay Mommy.

Me: Did you pee in the garbage can.

C: No, Payton did.

Me: Caden, tell Mommy the truth, did you pee in the garbage can?

C: No! Phantom did!

Me: Okay. Come on. Lets get out the soap.

C: No! I did it. I peed in the garbage.

Me: Why did you pee in the garbage?

C: I don't know. I just thought it would be fun.

Fun huh. Well I don't think he thought it was so fun while he stood over the wash tub cleaning the garbage can, taking the pee kleenex out to the garage, and then cleaning the pee ring off the floor. Hopefully I won't have anymore surprises like that.

Strike three - I'm out

2009-03-09T20:52:00.002-05:00

Strike 1 - my fever and eventual pneumonia
Strike 2 - Caden's fever which popped up yesterday
Strike 3 - Payton's fever which popped up 20 minutes ago

Y'errrrrr outta there!!!!!

Seriously? This sucks big donkey dick. Because I have been sick since Thursday, I have not done much cleaning. And when I say not much I mean I haven't touched anything remotely related to cleaning paraphernalia since Wednesday. I did pick up a stick from the floor. That has to count for something.

Alright so no cleaning. I have not shopped for food. Of course, that might not be a bad thing because I haven't invited all of the guests yet. Have I mentioned the party is Sunday? Not shopping for food also involves not ordering a cake. Two cakes actually because god forbid the kids agree on a cake. They both love spongebob. They live for spongebob. They could have picked spongebob. But no! What did they pick? What did they insist they needed to have? High School Musical and Cars. Come on! Give mommy a break!

So let's recap: three of the four people who live in this house are sick. I have a birthday party with 30 guests scheduled for Sunday. I have no food, no cake, a filthy house, and have only invited half of the guests. I think I am screwed.

It just keeps getting better

2009-03-09T11:54:00.002-05:00

Traditionally I do a new me post on Monday's but I really don't have too much to saying. I spent the better part of last week and the weekend having cold sweats all over the couch and living on orange juice and broth because eating took way too much energy. Of course, I did drop 7 pounds. Not the healthiest way in the world to loose weight but it certainly brought me very close to my goal. Hopefully the weight stays off when my appetite comes back.

Crap, what was the purpose of this post? Oh yeah, things just keep getting better. Of course, if you were with me you would hear the sarcasm in my voice and know that really, things just keep getting worse. How so you ask? I went to the doctor today. Normally I would have the luxury of going alone because Caden would be at preschool and Payton would be at school and I could sit happily in the waiting room.

That was not the case today. Caden spiked a fever yesterday and stayed home sick today. So he had to come. Picture this will you? A sick, tired (damn daylight savings), feverish, crabby, 4 year old sitting in a doctor's office for 2 HOURS! First he had to wait for my name to be called, then he had to wait for the doctor to come in, then he had to wait for the chest X-ray, then he had to wait for the X-ray to develop, then he had to wait for the doctor AGAIN, then he had to wait in line at the pharmacy while I dropped off my script. I have never played so much I spy at one given time. I read an entire book! And I am not talking a picture book. I am talking one of those beginner chapter books. It was 45 pages long!

All in all it was a productive trip. I have pneumonia and will begin antibiotics today. Hopefully I will be feeling half normal by Wednesday. But Caden is still sick so that sucks. I have 30 people coming over on Sunday for a party and the last thing I need is a sick kid. Send healthy thoughts our way! We have a busy week.

Screw you! **Updated

2009-03-08T23:11:00.003-05:00

What the hell!?!?!?!?!? I know I live in Wisconsin. I know I had the chance to move out west were it is warm and sunny and people think 50 is freezing. I know I passed up that chance to stay with Joe (best choice I ever made!). I know these were all my decisions and I should not complain. But come on! It was 65 degrees on Thursday. It was 58 degrees on Friday. All of the snow melted. I could see the grass! It was brown but it was grass.

Then today mother nature, that spiteful little bitch, decided to screw with me. It snowed all night long. We didn't get a lot of snow and it didn't really stick because it was 35 but come on! How cruel is it to go from 65 to 35 in just 2 days. And it didn't just get cold. It snowed and covered any inkling of spring we saw. It is all gone now. This winter is getting way too long!

Seriously, screw you nature.

**At least someone is enjoying the snow. I just let the dog out for his last pee before bed and he spent 15 minutes rolling in the snow. Seriously bud, I'm stick (yes, still sick). Hurry it up. Find your spot and go already.

Little Miss Bella

2009-03-07T10:10:00.003-06:00

Payton has always been a strong minded person. When she was little she gave me a very hard time. She was a Daddy's girl through and through. My dad used to joke that she was battling me for the alpha female role in the household and didn't like it that I was winning. Her daddy though, oh her daddy, she had him wrapped around her little finger. She could do no wrong and she knew it. Over the years she has accepted that she sit below me on the family hierarchy. However, in the last couple of months Joe has started to complain that she doesn't respect him. She has a tone when she talks to him and roles her eyes....a lot. I told him he was imagining things and she was just acting like a normal 7 year old girl. But, new evidence has been presented that proves Joe may be correct.

Exhibit A: Her math homework. This is how she signed her math homework. Yup, that says Queen Bella (and the "a" is shaped like a heart). Wow! I wonder what her teachers thought about that.

Exhibit B: A picture she drew on Thursday with her best friend. She split the dry erase board in half and each colored one side. Payton drew a picture of her family. From left to right she drew Joe, Caden, herself, and me. Just look at the sizes of the people on the picture. Her and I are relatively the same size. Joe is really small compared to her and I.

Really, I think Joe may be right. Payton thinks she is the queen bee and is making her poor daddy suffer.

Stupid people at stupid work

2009-03-06T08:29:00.002-06:00

I'm pissed. I love the people I work with and their dedication to their jobs. I love that fact that people take ownership and don't try to pass their crap off to me. Okay---most people. I love that I work for a tiny company that got bought by a huge company and it stills feels like a tiny company--most of the time. What don't I love? The idiots who come to work sick. The dumb asses who feel they are too busy to stay home and decide to come into the office. Hey! Moron! Ever heard of remote desktop? Work from home if you are sick and can't take the day off! Now I sit here suffering. Shall we review my symptoms?

Fever of 103? Check
Cough? Check
Aches? Check
Crabby? Check
Loss of appetite? Check
Way too much shit in my chest? Check
My sinuses ate my head? Check

So my lovely coworkers and team members, next time you are sick stay home. We have unlimited sick days so you don't even have to use your PTO! Tell you what. I will even be your back up if it means you stay home and I stay healthy. Thanks!

Love, your lovely trainer
Stacie

Do 4 year old boys get Munchausen

2009-03-05T13:47:00.001-06:00

Remember how cute I thought it was that Caden was attentive when I hurt my knee? Remember how he rubbed my cheek and kept checking on me? He brought me his favorite toys to comfort me and offered to brush my teeth for me. My injury was the first thing he thought about when he woke up the next morning. I thought it was cute, now I am a little scared.

When I was taking him to school this morning he asked me how my knee felt. I replied that it felt great and hadn't hurt for about a week. He suddenly got very sad and quite. I tried to get out of him what was wrong but he wouldn't talk. He just looked out the window with this sad longing look in his eyes. While we were walking into school I finally got it out of him. He is sad that my knee is better because he can't take care of me anymore. Sweet right? Not so much. He then asked me to run until I hurt it again. He said he liked it when I was hurt and he wants me to get hurt again. He thought maybe I should hurt my back this time.

Not sure how to feel about that. I wonder if I need to worry about him bum rushing me with a pipe Tanya Harding style.

A death in the family

2009-03-04T09:29:00.001-06:00

On Sunday night you died. You were warm and comforting. When I was upset and needed an escape from the world you were who I would go to. You kept me happy. You got me through those long nights alone while Joe was in boot camp. You were always there for me. Like a moth to a flame I was drawn to you. When I moved out of my parents house at the tender age of 18 I left you behind. It was the biggest mistake I made and I am sorry. But we found each other again just a few short years later and it was amazing. You wrapped me in your softness and warmth and I felt like I was at home again.

But alas, it was not meant to be. You are gone now. You threatened to destroy my life and everything Joe and I worked so hard to build. You put us and the kids are risk. You nearly set the house on fire. Your life had to end. You will be tough to replace but I am sure we will. Next winter, when those cold winds start to blow I will start thinking about you and will miss you dearly. Good bye electric blanket. You will be missed.

A New Me - Week 9

2009-03-02T08:54:00.002-06:00

I was sooooooooooooo naughty this week! I mean totally killed anything good I could have possibly done over the last 9 weeks because holy crap I. was. so. BAD! It kind of felt good but then I felt really guilty. I'm not talking ate some ice cream after dinner bad. I am talking ate girl scout cookies for breakfast and an entire pizza for lunch. Actually, I had pizza 3 times last week. I ate chips, pasta, real bacon! On days I didn't eat girl scout cookies for breakfast I didn't eat breakfast at all. I ate turtles (mmmmmm, turtles!), pistachios, and fired foods. I even drank soda. It was so good and so bad at the same time.

As far as exercise goes, the only exercise I got was was carrying the laundry basket up and down the basement stairs. Of course, it was 7 loads of laundry so I guess that is pretty good. Oooo! And I carried some boxes of Goodwill stuff to the car. OOOOOO!!! And I pushed the vacuum around. So, um, at least I didn't sit on my ass all week. But no running, no weights, no yoga ball, and no heavy bag. I was a naughty, naughty girl.

I am definitely feeling it. I have been really tired this week. I could take a nap right now and I have only been up for an hour and a half. I used to get acid reflux a lot before I started working out. It has pretty much gone away but came back in full force by the weekend. So that is it. I got lazy, ignored my diet and exercise program and now I am paying the price.

I came up with lots of yummy and healthy meals for the next two weeks. I am totally loving the healthing eating page on foodnetwork.com. We are having a lot of salads, pork, chicken, and fish. For nights when we aren't home together or I get home late I bought a bunch of Bocca Burgers. My week off was nice but it is time to get back on track.

No measurements this week, I am scared to see what damage I did!

Sprouts

2009-02-27T07:48:00.002-06:00

I can't believe how much Payton has grown over the last six months. In August, just before school started, I went school shopping. I bought her 3 pairs of jeans, several pairs of shoes, and ballet shoes. The jeans were way too big. Thankfully, most kids jeans have that wonderful adjustable waistband so I cinched it as tight as I could and rolled up the cuffs.

Now, six months later, her jeans are so tight so can't snap them and they look like capris. I bought new jeans on Wednesday and they fit her perfect. They are two sizes bigger than the jeans I bought in August. I can't believe she has grown 2 sizes is just 6 months! This is the first time since she was an infant that jeans didn't fit her for an entire season. Funny thing is, only her jeans are too big. Her shirts all fit her just fine.

And the shoes! Oh holy hell the shoes! She is on her third pair of ballet shoes since she started in August and only has one pair of shoes that fit her really well. At this rate, I am going to go broke. I used to buy myself new shoes and jeans. I haven't bought a pair of shoes since my hooker boots and my jeans are from last spring. Seriously, if she doesn't stop growing, you may have to make room in your house for me because I can't afford this anymore.

Life changes

2009-02-26T18:46:00.002-06:00

At dinner tonight I was pondering how my life has changed. It wasn't too long ago that Joe and I would sit at the table discussing sailing and politics over a dinner of salmon, asparagus and pasta. Okay, that isn't really true. When I say sailing I mean sex because that is what we called sex when we were around my family but didn't want to say sex. And the only politics discussed was me telling Joe why I was right and if he didn't agree with me he was wrong. But that salmon and asparagus - that totally happened.

Anyway, it wasn't that long ago that we we having adult meals and adult conversation. On glass plates! With glass, um, glasses! And wine! Tonight wasn't like that and neither have most nights for about the last 5 years. Now at dinner we talk about why it is important to cover our mouth when we burp and playing a rousing game of who just farted. Now we eat cheese filled turkey hot dogs and frozen corn with milk. On plastic plates. and plastic cups. Sometimes, on a really special night, we have chocolate milk! I know. I'm crazy like that.

The funny things is, as much as I loved my salmon and sex talk, I love my fart talk and frozen corn more. I love being a mom. I don't care about the parties I missed and trips I can't go on. I love my kids and everything about them. Sometimes I forget that and get caught up in everything I don't have. Sometime I look at my married with no kids friends and get a little jealous of their freedom. Then I listen to the gut busting giggle coming out of Payton's mouth because Caden just dropped it in the car and OH MY GOD! it smells so bad and I remember how much I love them.

Taxes suck

2009-02-25T08:31:00.002-06:00

I got the brilliant idea to do out taxes on Saturday. I bought Tax Cut and was ready to go. I was all set up on the couch with the laptop, ready for those refund dollars to start piling up. About five minutes in, when it came time to claim my dependents, I realized I needed the kids social security numbers. So, up I go to head down to the basement and fish out the SS cards. But they weren't where I thought I had put them. So I tried to think about the last time I had them. Hmmmmm........last summer Joe's dad opened a savings account for them and need their numbers. I put them in my wallet. Maybe they were still there.

So, back up the stairs I climbed to find my purse. But, the cards weren't there either. Oh crap. Okay, think. Where did I put those cards? Oh shit. The car was broken into last summer and my purse was dumped out. What if they stole the kids cards and then used their numbers? Oh shit. Their credit is ruined before they even had a chance to ruin it themselves. I kept looking anyway. I needed their numbers to do my taxes and I wanted to exhaust all options before I went and stood in line at the social security office to get new cards.

Okay, what purse did I use last summer? I am a purse whore. I never use the same purse for more than a few months and I always change for the seasons. I pulled out my pile of purses and started looking through all of them. Finally, after a good hour of searching, I found them stuffed in a pocket of one of my purses. Thank god! Back to my taxes.

I was cruising through. I had our W-2s entered and all of my deductions in order: interest on the mortgage, student loan interest, property taxes, donations. All of it added up to a sizable deduction and I was seeing that refund build! Alrighty, time to enter my childcare expenses. Oh crap! Our daycare provider didn't list her ssn on our receipt for the year. Dammit all! Back to the basement to root through our files to find our old taxes to get her number. Of course, we got a new desk about a month back and I still haven't organized anything. I had no idea where our old taxes were.

After an hour of searching, I finally found what I needed. Back upstairs to enter the information. I finished everything up and was all set to e-file. Just 5 to 7 days until that wonderful refund is in my mailbox! Wait, I need my PIN from last year (I didn't e-file last year, I don't have a PIN) or my adjusted gross income from last year. Son of a bitch! Back to the basement to look for 2007 taxes to get my AGI. I looked for 30 minutes and found the folder I neatly labeled 2007 taxes. Then I opened the folder and it was empty. Oh for god's sake I hate taxes!

I never did find my taxes for 2007. Now I need to figure out how I am going to file these damn things. I don't have a printer that is compatible with my laptop. My laptop has Vista and the printer I have is compatible with XP which we have on our desktop. Of course, I did the taxes on the laptop thinking I could e-file but now I don't have what I need to do that. I can't print the forms to paper file. I could call the IRS to get my AGI but when I tried I got hung up on...three times. Seriously, I hate tax season.

A New Me - Week 8

2009-02-23T10:17:00.003-06:00

Remember last week when I said I was going to get back on the treadmill to start running again? Remember how I said my knee was feeling better and I wanted to get back on the horse? Well, that dream died a bit. I ran on Monday. Tuesday was my 23 hour day in California so, um, yeah, no working out that day. And Wednesday, while running through the airport to catch my connection, I messed up my knee again. Yeah me! I have gone through so much ibuprofen in the last 3 weeks I surprised I don't have an ulcer yet. And if I have to apply one more ice pack I swear I am going to get frost bite.

I have stuck to eating healthier though. It was hard to eat healthy this week because I haven't been grocery shopping in a while and we are running out of the healthy stuff. I have noticed pants are fitting better. I have a smaller muffin top and my pants aren't as tight in my thighs. Okay, on to measurements:

Boobs: 33" (no change)
Waist: 28" (no change)
Hips: 35.5" (down 0.5")
Butt: 38" (down 1")
Thighs: 23" (down 1")

Stalker boyfriend type in training

2009-02-20T13:45:00.003-06:00

Me: Hey Buddy! You get to eat lunch at school with your friends today!

Caden: I know! I'm going to sit by Lucy.

Me: Oh, that is nice. Are you going to ask her if she wants to sit by you when you get to school?

Caden: No.

Me: Then what are you going to do?

Caden: I'll wash my hands first then I'm going to stand by the wall and wait for her to wash her hands and sit down. Then, I am going to sit next to her and tell her she is my favorite friend.

Me: What if she sits between two people and you can't sit next to her? Maybe you should tell her you would like to sit by her.

Caden: Oh, she won't sit by someone else. I will make sure I have room by her. I will tell the other boys and girls she is my favorite friend and I am sitting next to her. Then I will have room.

Me: But wouldn't it just be easier to ask Lucy to save you a space?

Caden: No, mommy. I am just going to watch her and wait. That is how I do it.

Me: Okay, well, good luck with that.

After picking him up from school...............

Me: Did you get to sit by Lucy at lunch?

Caden: No.

Me: Why not? What happened?

Caden: The teachers put ours names on the table and we had to sit by our names. Lucy wasn't even at my table.

Me: I'm sorry buddy. Maybe you can sit with Lucy next time you have lunch at school.

Caden: Mommy, I just don't want to talk about it right now. Please don't ask me about Lucy anymore today.

Me: Okay little man. Mommy won't talk about Lucy anymore.

Why traveling with my employer sucks

2009-02-19T17:37:00.002-06:00

A few weeks back my employer asked me if I could go to Cali on a trip to have a face to face visit with the client I manage. I have no objections with plane rides and like to mix it up and get out of the office so I agreed to go. What I didn't know was my employer makes sure you get in, do what you need to do and get out in as little time as possible. Here is a recap of my trip:

Tuesday 2/17

Wake up at 3am to get ready and catch 6:10am flight
Travel 6 hours from Milwaukee to Orange County
Land at 11:06
Run to rental car to get to lunch meeting with client by 11:30
Head back to client headquarters for 1:30 meeting
Go to little cafe at 3:30 to debrief with my coworkers
Go back to hotel at 5:10
Change for business dinner
Meet at 5:45 for dinner
Back in the hotel room at 8 to read the 90 e-mails I got during the day and solve the 100 issues that came up
Bed at midnight (2 am WI time, that means I was up for 23 hours)

Wednesday 2/18

Wake up at 4am the next morning to catch 6:45am flight
Wait in plane on runway for 25 minutes cause planes can't take off until after 7. So why schedule flights for 6:45am? WHY!!!!!!
Travel 3 hours
Land at gate 2A with only 10 minutes to get to my connection which is leaving from gate 76A
Fuck! RUN!!!!!!!!!!! No time to pee. Sorry bladder. Can't get stuck in Denver!
Get on plane just in time. Fly 3 more hours.
Pick up kids
Work until 11pm because I have 90 more e-mails and 100 more problems to solve

What don't I mind about traveling with these guys?

The $150 sushi meal that I didn't have to pay for. Best sushi ever!
The $240 a night suite I didn't have to pay for (seriously, the nicest hotel room I have every stayed in).
The Lexus SUV rental I didn't have to pay for (it was the only car they had left).
The ability to put a face to the crazy lady who is my contact at our client.
The chance to hear to the founder and former owner of my employer say "Wow, your client is a serious bitch! How do you work with her every single day?"

A new me - week 7

2009-02-16T18:30:00.000-06:00

I took last week off from working out. My knee is slowly getting better and I hope to be back on the treadmill and on the weights tonight. I hate that I didn't work out at all last week but I really think I pulled something in my knee and felt it was best to rest it.

I may have taken the week off in gym but I certainly stuck to my healthier eating. I steared clear of the crap and ate a lot of fish, whole grains, and veggies. I have noticed that I have so much more energy these last 7 weeks. I have more patience for the kids and seem to be more focused at work. These changes have definately been positive for me and my life.

I won't post measurements this week as there is really no change from the last time I posted. Of course I expected that because I didn't run or lift at all last and only twice the week before. I expected it and I am okay with it.

A kick in the stomach

2009-02-16T13:27:00.004-06:00

I don't talk about my parents very much on this blog. It's not because I am not close to them but because they live across the country and I don't see them very often. I talk to them every weekend and they come home every summer and some Christmases. We are very close. I love them very much and can't imagine my life without them in it.

The worrier in me hates that they live so far away. I was always afraid something would happen and I would be too far away to do anything. Or, as they aged I wouldn't be there to take care of them. Working in the medical profession I see patients aging and needing help from children. I want to be there to help them but I can't if they are 2,000 miles away.

Last week, my biggest fear was realized. My mom called and the first words out of her mouth were "Hey Stace. Dad was in a pretty serious car accident." My heart stopped. The only words I could think the mutter were why. Thankfully, the next words out of her mouth were he is alive and he is at home. Thank God.

He was 90 minutes into a 4 hour drive when a terrible snow storm hit. He got caught in white out conditions and ended up in a 22 car pile up caused by a jack knifed semi truck. He was somewhere in the middle of the accident. He was hit from multiple sides. Both his front and side air bags deployed. He is cut and has some pretty serious bruising as well as a concussion. It was unavoidable and we are lucky he is alive. He doesn't remember much of the events leading up to the accident or what followed. But he does remember seeing a baby being taken from the car he hit. The baby was blue and died later in the hospital.

My dad is not doing well. He is a caring, kind, and generous man. He rarely puts himself first and loves his grandchildren fiercely. He is very depressed over the death of the baby. He is blaming himself. It was not his fault. He is a very cautious driver and was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. But he is hurting and confused and I can't help him. He won't talk about the accident. He said if his car is not totalled (though I can't imagine why it wouldn't be) he won't drive it again. He can't get into it.

I hate that I am stuck in WI while he works through this thousands of miles away. Of course, he is not alone. He has my mom and they wonderful and supportive friends. But he is my daddy and I should be there with him. He spent his entire adult life being there for me. I feel helpless so far away and I hate feeling helpless.

What is a tooth worth?

2009-02-11T12:21:00.003-06:00

$3. At least, that is what Payton got for her first tooth. It fell out Sunday night while I was making dinner. She was thrilled. It all started at the dentist last week. He discovered her bottom tooth was loose and it was downhill from there. She was obsessed with that tooth. She spent her ballet class wiggling it instead of dancing. She wiggled while she watched TV and wiggled while she ate her dinner.

On Sunday she bit into an apple and realized it caused her tooth to become quite loose. She set a goal to have that tooth out by the time she went to bed Sunday. She carried a bowl around with her in case it fell out and she needed somewhere to put it. She spent all day working on it. As I was preparing dinner she was stealing the baby corn. All it took was one bite (and days of non stop pestering) to push the tooth over the edge.

She came running into the kitchen yelling "Mommy! My tooth is blooding!" They say blooding instead of bleeding! So cute! Anyway, I got her to open her mouth with the promise that I wouldn't touch her tooth. I just needed to look at it. Well, mommy lied. The tooth was hanging by a string so I pulled it out. She didn't even realize I had done it. When I opened my hand and showed her the tooth she was thrilled.

I still stop when I look at her holey smile because I am not used to seeing it. She likes to stick her tongue through it and play with the hole. She has another loose tooth next to the one she just lost. I wonder how long it will take for that one to fall out?

Talking her off the ledge

2009-02-09T23:07:00.002-06:00

Okay, no new me post today. Sorry, I lied. All for the better though because I don't have much to report. Didn't work out much because I my knee, ate okay, still need to take this weeks measurements but I am not expecting much. And, I want to apologize ahead of time for this post. If it is really jumpy aroundy I am sorry but it is late and I have no intention of editing it. And she just called again...it's 11:30pm.

My real post is about a friend of mine. Because more of my friends in real life are starting to read this I am not going to name names. I think she would prefer I didn't. Anyway, this friend of mine is going through a really hard time and tonight was the straw that broke my back. She called me at 10:22. I didn't answer the phone. She called again at 10:23. I didn't answer the phone. Then she left a panicky message on my machine and called back at 10:25. I answered to phone right away.

You see, just last week she called very early in the morning on a Monday. She usually calls on weekends so I knew something was up. Turns out the night before her and her finance got into an argument. I'm not sure what it was about but it was bad. He hit her and choked her and pinned her down on the ground. He called her stupid, worthless, and made her feel like she didn't matter. I begged her to call the police and file a report. I asked if she needed help throwing his crap out onto the lawn but she said she didn't. She stayed with him. When I asked her why she said he had some information he was using to blackmail her. Of course, she didn't use those words but that is essentially what he is doing. Whatever it is she is scared she will loose her job, her license to practice nursing, and the respect of her family.

Tonight she called again. The finance was drinking again and this time she was with him. They left the bar because she ran out of money. Oh! Did I forget to mention he has been living in her house for the last year and half rent free....with no job....and no money! She paid for everything! Anyway, she ran out of money so they left the bar. They got into some kind of argument in the car and he kicked her out and drove away. He left her 20 blocks from their house in the cold and the rain. I offered to pick her up and I begged her to stay at our house tonight but she wouldn't let me. We talked on the phone for a long time. She was pretty hysterical so I didn't understand very much in the beginning.

I calmed her down toward the end and she started to make a bit more sense. She feels very alone right now. She feels like she doesn't have a good support system and she feels like she has let everyone down. I know she was drinking tonight and I know she went home to him. I begged her not to but she just wouldn't listen. I was ready to get into the car, pick her up, and bring her here. I am so worried about her. I just have this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can't shake it. I asked her to call me first thing in the morning so I know she is safe.

The really terrible thing is she is planning on marrying him. She is so afraid of whatever it is he has on her that she won't leave him. I asked if she can spend the rest of her life like this but she didn't really have an answer. She is afraid to kick him out of the house because he kicked the door down once. I am supposed to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and I am thinking I may tell her I can't do it. I just can't stand by and support this marriage.

A friend in need

2009-02-09T09:33:00.003-06:00

I will be doing a new post later today but this needed to be done first. I was talking with a coworker last week who has become a good friend and she is having a very hard time right now. She started a blog this weekend and I really think she could use some love. Please go give her support and let her know she is not alone.

Could it be true.....

2009-02-07T09:02:00.002-06:00

It is 48 outside! Hells to the yeah because holy shit it was cold earlier this week. Like 9 degrees cold. I know it is February and this can't possibly last but it is so wonderful while it is here! Spring is coming. The snow will melt and I will be able to toil in my garden again. I can start to bore you with pictures of my flowers and my kids at the beach. Yeah for you!

But seriously, I am really looking forward to spring. It has been a long cold winter. We didn't have nearly as much snow this year as we did last year but it has been markedly colder. The kids have some serious cabin fever and so do I. I want to run on the trails and not the treadmill. I can't wait to sit in the green grass and feel the sun warm my skin while the kids play in the kiddie pool.

I can't wait to plant my raspberry bushes and my strawberry plants. I can't wait to fill the one remaining empty bed and watch as the plants I put in the ground last year grow and bloom. I love spring. I love early summer.

Of course, by late August, you will reading a similar post. Except it will talk about me being sick of the long, hot, and dry summer. I won't be able to wait for cooler fall days and I will be craving my winter comfort foods. I will be anxiously waiting for the first cool day to pull out the slow cooker and start on my endless weeks of making apple sauce. I will be counting the seconds until I can make chicken soup, chili, beef stroganoff, minestrone, and rotisserie chicken. I will be sick of salads and the grill and avoiding the kitchen because the oven makes the house so damn hot.

So is the life of a Wisconsinite.

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

2009-02-06T17:03:00.006-06:00

I am so bored! I am so boring! It is a Friday night and my plans are to feed the kids and sign back on to the computer to work! What the HELL!!!!!! What the hell happened to me?!?!?!?!?! And what's worse than that? I had this big post planned for tomorrow when I realized it was about my cat....drinking water. I am not even 30 and my posts have been reduced (or seduced as I used to say as a young child) to shit about my cat. I don't even have a bottle of wine in the house to make the night a little interesting. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm going to cave. For your viewing pleasure, the cat. This is her first time on my blog. You know her as Fat Ass, we named her Chloe, she responds to Fatty. Maybe if I post about her now I will come up with something a little more interesting tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow will consist of cleaning bathrooms and going to Wal-Mart so chances are slim. Anyway, like I said, meet Fat Ass.

"That damn dog is laying on the couch. Maybe if I stare at him long enough he will burn up and die. Then I can have the house back"

"Damn, all that dog staring made me thirsty"

"Sometimes those sons of bitches that brought the dog to my house get water from this silver thing."

"Maybe if I sit here long enough water will start to come out..."

"Uh! Success!"

Little mister sensative

2009-02-06T09:18:00.004-06:00

As I have whined about twice this week (now three times) I have an unexplained knee injury that is fine in the morning and gets worse as the day goes on. Actaully, everything I have posted this week is about this damned knee. God my life is boring! As I was saying, I didn't work out Tuesday or Wednesday because I wanted to take a break and let my knee heal a bit. I decided I wouldn't take Thursday off because I didn't want to get into bad habits. I suited up and got on the treadmill. But, by 0.6 miles I couldn't run through the pain anymore. I got off and did a couple rounds on the weights and went upstairs. It hurt so bad to walk up the stairs I barely made it so I went straight to our bedroom to lay down.

Well, Caden saw the pain I was in a got very concerned. He immediately offered to rub my back and read me books. He made me stay in bed while he got a stuffed toy for me to snuggle with, a book for me to read, and a shake and go racer for me to, um, play with? Anyway, he rubbed my back, got my pajama pants for me, and kept brushing my cheek and asking if I needed anything. How sweet is my little man!!!

8:30 rolled around and it was time for bed. He left the room and I got into bed too. I closed the door, turned out the light, and tried to sleep. Considering I was falling asleep at dinner I didn't think it would be too hard to do. After about 10 minutes I heard the pitter patter of little feet outside the bedroom door. Then I heard his little voice, "Daddy, how is Mommy feeling?" Seriously, how sweet his he! Of course, I like to think he was asking because he was really concerned and not because he realized his normal stalling tactics don't work anymore (I have a question, Payton is making a noise, when will you go to bed).

This morning, he came straight into my room and asked me how my knee was. Then he said if I needed him to help me brush my teeth or comb my hair to tell him because he would. Of course, his behavior is obviously a reflection of my nurturing and stellar parenting and amazing example his daddy set. What other explanation could there be?

A New Me update

2009-02-02T15:23:00.003-06:00

Wow, I should have stayed off the treadmill. My knee is killing me! I can hardly walk from the couch to the bathroom and that is not a very long walk. I have been popping ibuprofen like it is candy and I never take meds. It is the weirdest thing because I was fine and then it started to hurt. Anyway, tomorrow is a work two jobs day so I don't usually work out on Tuesday. I guess that is good because I should probably give me knee a break.

A New Me - Week 5

2009-02-02T07:51:00.005-06:00

I stayed strong and on top of things last week. I continued to work out nearly every day. I say nearly because I did miss two days but one of those two days I spent working on my feet for 4 hours. I also stayed on top of my eating. I did go out to lunch on Tuesday with work people and ate a big cheeseburger with fries but the rest of the week was good. But, much to my dismay, I crossed over to the dark side at the grocery store on Sunday. I bought, oh dear god I can't even day it....I bought....whole wheat pasta and brown rice! Oh the horror! A bit dramatic? Yes. But I do heart my carbs.

I'm not sure how this week will go. I hurt my knee yesterday while I working out but I'm not sure how. I ran a mile, got off the treadmill to stretch, then I got back on to start doing my hills workout and it hurt to put weight on my leg. It got worse throughout the evening and is very stiff this morning. I am not sure how I went from fine to in pain but I did. I should probably rest it and not workout today but I want to keep on this track. So, I will take a few ibuprofen and hope that helps with the pain while I try to run and lift weights.

Alright, onto the measurements. Again, I am happy with what I am seeing. It looks like I am trimming down and I just need to keep telling myself my weight is just a number, weight is just a number. Ignore the doctor's scale, my weight is just a number.

Boobs: 33" (Down 1")
Waist: 28" (Down 1")
Hips: 36" (No change)
Butt: 39" (Down 1")
Thighs: 24" (No change)

Why I love super bowl sunday

2009-02-01T17:08:00.004-06:00

Joe took the kids to his dad's. No Joe and no kids makes Stacie happy! So what does an over worked over stressed mommy do with her quiet time? Let us review what I have done since Joe left and will do until he gets home.

Watched the end of Little Black Book
Watched Failure to Launch while eating a Bocca Burger
Watched Maid in Manhattan while working out
Ate a banana
Am about to watch 13 Going on 30 while folding laundry
Eat a lovely (and easy) spinach salad with low fat cottage cheese dinner
I will NOT have to make a different dinner for the kids!!!!!
Work (boo! but has to be done) while watching The Devil Wears Prada

Look at my multi tasking ass! Of course, in between the eating and working out and the folding laundry I have done NOTHING! Just watched girl movies without anyone bitching about the lack of ESPN and SpongeBob flowing from our TV.

This is why I love super bowl Sunday!

Nothing

2009-01-31T09:44:00.004-06:00

I have absolutely nothing to say today. My life is boring, my kids have been boring, the dogs gas is still horrible, I still work too much. So, because I feel totally boring today, I will give you only pictures so as not to bore you with the other dribble I may produce. So, here you go, the kids being the kids. By the way, I had to bribe them with candy to get the last 5. It was the only way I could get them to smile.

Have I mentioned I totally kick ass!!!

2009-01-30T14:41:00.004-06:00

We had our annual kick off yesterday. Everyone gets together and spends 8 hours listening to boring speeches and drinking bad coffee then we get rewarded with 3 hours of open bar in the evening! Yay open bar!!!! Yay Malibu and pineapple! Yay shiraz! Yeah FREE!!!! Anyway, half way through the meeting we had an awards/recognitions session. To my surprise, the project I worked on in August won project of the year! Yeah me! So, the weeks of working 7 days a week, into the wee hours of the morning, ignoring my kids, and slacking on my housework was worth it. I felt hyped up when I got home. Plus, my division (managed market services) got division of the year! We are rockin' and I felt completely secure when I left the meeting yesterday. We are hiring and buying up smaller companies (but we never ever get rid of the employees of the companies we buy). So, yeah, total job security which is nice to hear in this really tough time.

On a side note, I am totally head over heels in love with my OB/Gyn. He is awesome. As he was leaving the office to allow me to dress myself he said "Come see me again when your pregnant!" I have been seeing him for 8 years and will gladly pay out of pocket if he ever goes out of network. He is that wonderful. The scale at his office, on the other hand, sucks ass. Like sucks big dumb donkey dick and I want to throw it out the window but it is a giant scale for really large ladies and I don't think I could pick it up. And the nurse! Oh that bitch of a nurse! When she was weighing me she said "Wow, you don't like you weigh that much." What! How am I supposed to take that? I am just not sure. You don't look like you weigh that much. What is that much? It's not like the scale was tipping towards 250 or anything. My goodness, take a girl all the way down will ya. So yeah, love my OB (he looks like Anthony Edwards), hate his nurse.

And finally, Phantom (aka Chicken Shit) is sick. I am not sure what is wrong with him but the noxious odor permeating from his butt is enough to suck to oxygen out of a very large room. His stomach was being all funny and gurgly last night at around 10. Then he didn't really want a walk this morning and didn't eat his breakfast. He just laid in the living room all day with big sad eyes. And, of course, killing every living organism in the house with his rank arse. I fed him some ground beef and rice for dinner so I am hoping that helps settle what ever is going on in there because he sleeps in my room and, well, that is just gross.

Just a planner

2009-01-28T21:28:00.004-06:00

As I announced yesterday, my good friend Jen is pregers! Yeah Jen! Now, I am a planner. When I was in college, I walked into my adviser's office with the next two years completely mapped out and he laughed at me. He said if every student was like me he would be out of the job. But, I went into his office with only 42 credits under my belt and finished just two short years later with a double major, a minor while raising two kids and working a full time job. So planning paid off.

When I go into the real world I realized there was less I could plan. I could not control when my employer gave me a raise or a much wanted promotion and it was stressful. I had a hard time just letting it ride, hoping my employer would recognize my devotion and, of course, my brilliance. I am getting better at it. We get raises in April and, if it is enough, I would like to quit my job at the pharmacy. Usually I would checking our budget, crunching numbers, and putting together dozens of if-then scenarios. I have not done that. I am waiting until April! To see what my raise is! Then I will decide what to do! It was hard at first but I have found my life is much easier without that crap on my mind all the time. I like to think I am channeling my inner guy.

But I digress...where was I? Oh yes, Jen is knocked up, has a bun in the over, is with child, is nursing a parasite. And I want to make her something! She is a knitter. An amazing knitter. She can do things with two needles and a skane that I can't even wrap my head around. And I really want it to be something special because she is so amazing . Of course, I will wait until that magical time when she tells me if her little parasite is of the boy or girl variety. I am hoping girl because I really want to use pink and green because Oh My God! I love pink and green! Of course, if it is a boy I will make do. I can't start making it now but I can certainly pick my pattern now! Here is where I ask for help. What should I make. I am debating between a couple of different things:

I really love the turtle buddy and it wouldn't be very hard. I don't even need to make it a turtle. I have a dog pattern, a bear, and a pig. The blanket is easy enough and just gets sewn onto the bottom of the stuffed toy. And, seriously, how cute would a pink pig with a green blanket be! Of course, the stroller blanket is nice too and, again, pretty easy to do. But, she is due in October so a hooded blanket will be great for those sub zero winter nights. I just can't decide! Help me Internets, please.

It's a BABY!

2009-01-27T21:19:00.003-06:00

Nope, not mine. My very dear friend Jen told me today she is pregnant. So, a huge congrats to Brad and Jen! May the crippling dizziness and nausea subside, and may the next 34 weeks be filled with joy and amazement. And, if you quit the pharmacy before the baby is born, I will kick your ass.

Congrats Brad and Jen!

A new me - Week 4

2009-01-26T10:16:00.003-06:00

This week was much better! I found time to workout and feel great about it. Work has slowed down significantly and I was actually able to cook dinner, clean up, workout, and not sign back on to the computer! I don't remember the last time I could say I didn't work at night at all the entire week. I feel rested and have definitely noticed a difference in everyday life.

I ate much better last week as well. I ate a lot of spinach, low fat yogurt, cottage cheese, almonds, chicken, and fresh fruit and veggies. Of course, I ate like crap in Wisconsin Dells this past weekend but I had decided at the beginning of this I would cheat on weekends. It helps keep me on track during the week and it helps keep my metabolism high.

Onto the measurements!

Boobs: 34" (down 1")
Waist: 29" (no change)
Hips: 36" (no change)
Buns: 40" (down 1")
Thigh: 24" (no change)

So, not bad considering the two weeks prior I ate like crap and didn't really workout. I'm glad to see the small changes that are there. I have an appointment with the lady doctor on Friday so I actually have to step on a scale. That is kind of scary for me. The last two times I was there I was not happy with I saw on the scale. I hoping that won't be the case this time.

We're still alive

2009-01-25T09:11:00.008-06:00

We made it to the waterpark and back and no one died! Payton got swallowed by a giant wave in the wave pool but I was there to pull her out. What was supposed to be a relaxing 2-day lunge by the pool turned into a stair hiking, tube carrying, plummeting down 5 story slides 2-day trip and it was so much fun! And, the constant stair hiking was good because I ate like crap: pizza, breakfast buffet, no lunch, Culvers. We are going back in April for 2 more days and this time we are bringing Joe. We will have a huge group in April with lots of kids so I imagine it will be much more fun! Since I really can't describe the kids excitement I will take the cheap way out and show it in pictures.

Payton in the car waiting while my aunt checked in.

Caden in the car while my aunt checked in, he slept the entire car ride so he is a bit tired here.

Payton after going down her first really big slide

Caden on the baby slide

Caden on a bigger slide

Payton coming down a three story high slide

Caden coming down a three story high slide

The big girls on the trip - Kendall and Becca

The top of the biggest slides the kids went on. They weren't tall enough to do the others.

Kendall and Caden - he was really tired. I think it was about 9 o'clock on Friday night.

In the hotel room, getting ready to swim again

Me and the kids on the last day

All four kids after making a trip through the candy shop, Caden is clutching his candy, Payton is just a freak

A shot of the water park just before we left to go to......

.....the totally kick-ass jungle gym!

It was so kick-ass I couldn't get Caden to stop for pictures. This was the best I could get

Payton was a bit more cooperative.

So that's it! We all had a great time and can't wait to go back in a few months.

Irrational

2009-01-22T19:55:00.003-06:00

It's a bright and sunny July day. The kids and I are at a pool party. Joe is at work. The sun is warm and relaxing. I can feel my skin warming in the sunlight. I raise my face to the sky and the warmth washes over me. I can smell the meat cooking on the grill. The kids are laughing. Payton is in the pool without floaties on. Where is Caden? By the grill with guys, he still has foaties on, no problem. Pay attention to the girl, she is the pool without floaties. She is doing a good job. She is keeping a float on the noodle. Where is Caden? Still by the grill hanging out with the guys. Sill has his floaties on. Payton is off the noodle. Look at that, she can touch the bottom. She sure is getting big. I am so proud of her. Where is Caden? He's not by the grill anymore. Where is Caden? He's not with the girls on the lawn chairs. Where is Caden! Caden! Has anyone seen Caden! Caden! Oh my god he fell in the pool. He's not wearing his floaties! Get him! Swim, swim, faster, he's slipping under. Caden, kick baby kick, mommy is coming! Swim, swim, grab him. I've got you. Come here baby. Mommy has you. Come on, lets get out and sit down. It's okay baby, mommy has you. Don't cry baby mommy is here. Mommy got you. Mommy has you, don't cry. It's okay, mommy won't let you go. I'm sorry mommy, I just wanted to get that penny. I'm sorry mommy. I just wanted my penny back. It fell in the water, I was just reaching for it. I'm sorry mommy. Ssshhh, baby, mommy here.

Then I wake up, it's dark and cold. My face is wet with tears. Caden is safe in his bed. Joe is sound asleep next to me. Why did I just have that dream? That happened almost two years ago. Oh yeah, we're going to a water park today. Joe isn't coming, he has to work. Note to self: pack a life vest, never let him leave your sight, leave the pennies at home.

Whatta Man, Whatta Man....

2009-01-22T19:44:00.004-06:00

Whatta mighty good man. Joe just told me he is going to volunteer in Payton's classroom. He is going to read to all the little first graders for their "book club" on Tuesdays. How sexy is that. It is so rare to see a dad so involved in their children's school. But I have a man who not only is able to be at school during the day but wants to be at school during the day. Top it off with being the troop dad for brownies and I have one kick ass husband who is one kick ass daddy. He is an awesome influence.

Me, not so much. I taught the boy to say "Hey butt head, try the pedal on the right. It makes your car move!" Then, as I was writing this, I asked if butt head is one word or two out loud to myself and now the kids are calling each other butt heads. They had to learn it some time, right?

Taxi cab confessions - Mommy style

2009-01-21T21:22:00.002-06:00

Me: Hey guys look! That house is for sale. Maybe we will get new neighbors that have a 5 year old and a 7 year old.

Payton: Yeah, that would be cool. When are we going to move?

Me: Not for awhile, sweety.

Payton: Well, when we do move I want to buy the peach house by school.

Me: That house isn't for sale and it isn't really the type of house mommy and daddy want to buy next.

Payton: But I want to pick out the next house.

Me: No Bella, Mommy and Daddy are paying for the house so mommy and daddy get to pick the house.

Payton: Fine, I'll pay for the house.

Me: Do you know how much houses cost? That house you like will sell for around $300,000.

Payton: I have that much money.

Me: You do! Where?

Payton: In my piggy bank.

Me: Bella, your piggy bank isn't big enough to hold that much money. You have $30, not $300,000.

Payton: Fine, I will get a job to pay for it.

Me: A job! What kind of a job are you going to get?

Payton: Um....I'll get a job dancing. You know, I'll dance.

Me (thinking): oh dear god my little girl is going to be a stripper.

Me (speaking): Honey, mommy and daddy won't be ready to move for a few years so why don't you wait a little while before picking a career.

Payton: Okay mommy. Mommy, what is the speed limit?

Me: Why don't you look for a sign and tell me when you see one.

Payton: Okay....a few minutes later...Mommy. The sign says 45.

Me: Thanks.

Payton: Why are you going 60? You are supposed to be going 45. Your going to get a ticket. Do you want to get a ticket?

Me: Payton, no body likes a back seat driver. Look out the window.

Payton (in a sing songy voice): Trees, flees, string cheese, cheese string, G string. Mommy, is there such thing as a G string?

Me (thinking): Oh my god she is going to be a stripper!

Me (speaking): I don't know sweetie. Why don't you sing mommy a song.

Payton: Oh, I just burped. It tasted like broccoli. Funny because I haven't had broccoli today. Huh.

Poor Caden has been listening to this. He has a hard time getting a word in edgewise with her around. But, he took his chance and....

Caden: Lucy was at the Planetarium today.

Payton: Really, what was she wearing?

Caden: A pretty skirt with sparkles and pink shoes. She sat next to me.

Payton: Did you kisssss herrrrr?

Caden: Stop it! She is my favorite friend!

Payton: Yoooouuuu like herrrrr.

Caden: Stop it Payton! You smell. Stop talking!

Payton: Caden wants to kiss Lucy!

Me: Bella, stop it. He doesn't like that.

Payton: Hehe, I just farted.

Me: Everybody out, we're here.

All of this in just the short drive to ballet. Thankfully they were snacking on the way home and that kept their little mouths pretty busy.

I just tried on swimsuits....

2009-01-21T11:17:00.000-06:00

....I'm never eating again.

Why I need to quit my job at the pharmacy

2009-01-20T22:55:00.004-06:00

Patient #1: Hi!

Me: Hi, are you dropping off or picking up?

P1: Dropping off. Places rx on the counter and pushes it my way

Me: reaching for the rx.....

P1: Oh, you might not want to touch that I just threw up on it.

Me: Oh, we can have this ready in 20 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patient #2: Hi, is there anything I can do for canker sores

Me: I'm sorry, in my experience most over the counter products are ineffective

P2: There isn't anything? (obviously annoyed and thinks I am lying)

Me: Well, you can try a numbing agent but that wears off rather quickly and you can only use 6 times a day.

P2: What about Peroxide (now she is getting really snotty)

Me: You can try it but it really doesn't do anything.

P2: So, your telling me there is nothing I can do? (Now she is down right bitchy)

Me: That is right, there is nothing you can do.

P2: I just don't think that is true. Walks away.

Me, under my breath: yeah, because my 12 years of medical experience and 20 years of dealing with cankers sores doesn't mean a damn thing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patient #3: Excuse me, is my prescription ready?

Me: Let me check, what is your last name?

P3: gives last name

Me: Yes, looks like the copay is $15

P3: No, that can't be, that isn't right.

Me: I'm sorry sir, that is what the insurance company is telling us to charge you.

P3: NO! That isn't right! Can't you hear? I pay $2.

Me: Sir, if you have a problem with the copay you don't have to take the medication. You can call your insurance and try to work the issue out.

P3: It isn't my issue! It is yours. You need to learn to do job. How do I know you aren't trying to pocket my money? MY COPAY IS $2.

Me: Sir, your copay is $15. If you have a problem with that, please call your insurance.

P3: I PAY $2 UNTIL THE DAY I DIE AND NEVER A PENNY MORE!!!

Me: Your copay is $15. Do you want it or not?

P3: Walks away in a huff mumbling under his breath what an untrustworthy person I am.

15 minutes later.....

P3: Looks like my benefits changed. Did you say my copay was $15? Who should I make the check out to?

No apology, nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patient #4: Excuse me, I have a rash. What kind of salve can I use?

Me: Where is the rash?

P4: On my leg

Me: Can you pull your pant leg high enough to show it to me?

P4: No, but here. Drops pants, lifts panties, exposes butt cheek. Here it is, do you see that red splotchy area?

Me: Oh, uh, yeah. It looks like a fungus. Get some clotrimazole and use it twice a day.

P4: Thanks! pulls up pants and leaves.

A new me - week 3

2009-01-19T18:37:00.003-06:00

Well, it has been another rough week. I had to admit to my boss that I had taken on too much work over the course of the last 6 months and I needed to give something up. My I can handle it attitude caught up with me in a one on one when I finally said please stop! Top it off with a pissed off client and a new hire who just isn't getting it and work was stressful.

Home was stressful. Payton had the flu, Joe and I got into a big argument, I thought I was pregnant. I was so busy at work the house wasn't getting picked up and messes stress me out. Home sucked this past week, work sucked too.

I am an emotional eater. Stress and bad feelings make me want to get out the ice cream and hot fudge. Sometimes, bad feelings make we want to get a spoon and hot fudge, screw the ice cream.

Of course, because I was so busy at night being super analyst/trainer/account manager I didn't have time to work out. I didn't even set foot into the weight room and the yoga ball started to collect dust. So what does all of this whining mean? It means I didn't loose a smidge of weight. Thankfully, I didn't gain a smidge of weight either.

It has become pretty obvious to me that I need to get my bed lovin' ass in the basement in the morning and get a run in before work. Here in lies the problem. I am not the get up and run 6 miles type. I am the hit snooze so many times I only have 20 minutes to get ready for work type. Lets review what my mornings currently look like:

Midnight - 1am: Crawl into bed after working since 8pm
5.45am: Mumble fuck is that mine as I search for the snooze button
5.55am: Mumble what the hell, is that mine again? snooze button
6.00: Joe bounds out of bed with the dog and goes for a walk
6.05: Lay in bed listening to the alarm go off, staring at the dark ceiling cursing the morning
6.10: Realize that I only have 20 more minutes until I have to leave for work
6.12: Try to find the motivation to crawl out of my flannel sheet, electric blanket set to 4, down comforter cacoon and into my 58 degree house.
6.13 - 6.25: Shower really fast, pull hair into pony tail, brush teeth. moisturize? nope, no time.
6.30: Throw lunch into bag and run out the door

You see, I would have to get up at 5.30 if I want to get in a morning workout and that means a measly 4 and a half hours of sleep. How the hell can I function on that? I can't. I just do not know what to do. But I need to figure it soon because I have to be a swim suit Friday and again during spring break. I know there isn't much I can do for this Friday but spring break is doable. I just need to figure out how.

A little less confused

2009-01-18T10:40:00.003-06:00

If you are trying to get pregnant and having trouble or pursuing infertility treatments of any kind you may want to skip this post. Okay, you've been warned.

My little scare this past week has allowed me to reflect upon my feelings. Do I really want to get pregnant again? Why was I so upset to be pregnant and then even more upset when I wasn't? What could possibly be feeding these feelings? Here is what I came up with.

When I thought I was pregnant I was really nervous about having to tell Joe. He has been very clear that he does not want more children. He has his boy and his girl and is just months away from having every Tuesday to himself because both kids will be in school full time. He loves that the kids are getting to an independent age. He doesn't have to lug around a diaper bag every where he goes and can trust them to play on their own...most of the time. He has no desire to go back to the baby stage. I think part of the reason I was upset about being pregnant was because I know how he feels about another child.

It was pointed out to me that Joe would get used to the idea and love a child when it is born. I have no doubt in my mind that is a true statement. Joe will love any child we bring into the world as furiously as he loves the two we already have. I have no doubt in my mind he will be as wonderful a father to a third as he was to his first two. He will write that baby a book just like he did for the other two. He will sing that baby songs and play tea party when necessary. And, the first two were not planned by any stretch of the imagination.

And that brings me to another point. I think somewhere deep down, I want to plan a pregnancy. In case you are new to the blog and didn't read my introduction post I will give you a little background. Joe and I got married pretty young. We were just 20 when we took our vows. We decided we wanted to wait 7 years to get pregnant. That would give us time to be married, finish school, buy a house, save some money. But, 7 years turned into 7 months when we had too much tequila and had sex on a bar table; 40 weeks later we welcomed Payton into the world.

She wasn't planned but she was loved and well taken care of. We knew she would have a little brother or sister but not for at least 4 years. Well, 4 years turned into just 17 months and an oh shit when those two pink lines showed up. And, 39 weeks later, we welcomed Caden into the world. He too was loved and well cared for.

I think I want that elated feeling a positive pregnancy test brings so many women instead of the oh shit what the hell are we going to do feeling I had with both of my pregnancy tests. I want to feel the thrill of a life growing inside of me instead stressing about how we are going to pay for daycare and formula and diapers and still have enough money for rent and the car payment. Is that selfish? I don't know. And I don't know what to do with my new found knowledge. Joe still doesn't want another baby even if I decide I do. Although, it may not matter because when Joe reads my post from yesterday (which he will because he reads this regularly) I will never have sex again.

A bif of a scare

2009-01-17T12:21:00.004-06:00

I thought I was pregnant. I didn't know how to feel about it. Ever since I had Caden I was convinced I wanted three children. Even now when both the kids are older I thought I wanted one more. I was convinced I wouldn't mind going back to diapers and car seats and paying for daycare and no sleep and being completely responsible for the life of one little human. I hint around at Joe all the time. I even convinced the kids they would love to have a baby brother or baby sister.

Then, on Wednesday, I was really tired. I fell asleep on a conference call. Thank goodness I was working from home and was only a silent listener. No one knew I was asleep. Then, when I hung up the phone, I went to sleep again for 2 hours. When I finally woke up I was sick to my stomach. It was 5 o'clock and that is when I got sick with both kids. I laid on the couch the rest of the night exhausted and nauseous. Payton had stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday because she had the flu so I figured I was getting the flu too.

Thursday was more of the same. Exhausted, sick, complete inability to concentrate. I needed to be at work because I had a really important meeting with clients at 4 so I toughed it out. I would get hungry and eat then I would get sick. Just like I did with both pregnancies. Then it happened, I needed mashed potatoes. I needed them so badly I went to the elevator and down 11 floor to the diner that sits on the first floor of my building. I ordered them and ate them like I hadn't eaten in weeks. Then I felt that I was going to throw up. That's when it hit me that I might be pregnant. All of the symptoms fit. I was excited for about 0.2 seconds. Because at 0.3 seconds I realized maybe I don't want a third child as bad as I thought I did. All that ran through my head was the diapers, the car seats, the cost! Everything I thought I was fine with. I stressed about it all day. I started trying to remember when my last period was. I knew it was sometime before Christmas but didn't know exactly when. The weekend before maybe? I also new we had a very good New Years after our guests left and the timing fit.

Friday really freaked me out. I got winded every time I walked up the stairs. You see, when I was pregnant with Caden, I got really winded walking up the hill at my aunt's house during a birthday party. I took a test immediately following the party and it was positive; Caden was on the way. I almost went to the store to buy a pregnancy test yesterday but I didn't. I think I was too scared to see what it would say.

When I woke up this morning it was very apparent that I am not pregnant. Of course, my first reaction was relief. We wouldn't have to make our three bedroom house and four passenger car fit a fifth family member. Then, about 0.3 seconds later, I was sad. I was a more than a little disappointed that we weren't having number 3. I almost cried.

Now the only thing I feel is confused. I don't know what I want. For those three days that I thought I was pregnant, holding it inside because I was too scared to say the words, the only thing going through my mind was Joe is so getting snipped as soon as he isn't working 20 days in a row. Now I just don't know. I am totally confused.

Dear Googler

2009-01-16T23:16:00.001-06:00

1) To the many individuals who have found my blog by googling "penus": it is spelled penis, with an i not a u. Get it straight. And to the guy who googled bad smelling penus. Wow dude, please see a doctor. That doesn't sound good. And the guy looking for penus shapes? There really are only two shapes: circumcised and uncircumcised. Perhaps you meant penus sizes or penus hangs to the left?

2) To all of those who have found my site by googling hookers. I am not now nor have I ever been a hooker nor am I associated with hookers. My dad just likes to talk about hookers. He lives in the Vegas area, there are a lot of hookers there. I am sorry to disappoint you but please move along. Of course, if you find me witty and charming and just can't leave I understand. But please know I am not a hooker.

3) To the many people wondering if children can get addicted to Tylenol...no. They cannot get addicted to Tylenol. I mean really, it's Tylenol. We're not talking Tylenol with codeine or anything fun like that. It is just plain old Tylenol. Follow the package directions and be sure to use appropriate dosing for the sake of their tiny kidneys.

4) and finally, to the people looking for a milk from breast foto I really don't understand. I have never taken a picture of myself or anyone I know breastfeeding. Nor have I squeezed my boob for the purpose of squirting milk and taking a picture. And, if I did, it was before we had a digital camera and I am way too lazy to scan that bad boy to post it here. Sorry.

I wonder what disturbing google terms will come from this post.

#100

2009-01-15T20:59:00.002-06:00

Wow. 100 posts. I believe the tradition is to write 100 random things about yourself. I had a hard time writing 6 random things about myself so, um, we'll see how this goes.

1. My name is not Collette
2. It is Stacie
3. My mom wanted to name me Anastacia
4. My dad wouldn't let her
5. They also considered Jennifer
6. But didn't want to be the 4 J's
7. My husband's name is not Raoul
8. It is Joe
9. Josef, actually
10. I do call my kids the Tweedles at home
11. But their friends call them Payton
12. and Caden
13. Except at school where Payton is known as Bella
14. I double majored in college
15. Organizational Administration
16. and Economics
17. and I hold a communications minor
18. I wanted to be an oncologist when I was in high school
19. Sometimes I still think about going back
20. My parents moved to CA when I was 18 (1998)
21. I moved 8 times between 1998 and 2000
22. I blame my parents move out west
23. I have a brother
24. His name is Jason
25. We call 1998 - 2000 his foggy years
26. I want 1 more child
27. Raoul does not
28. I was born in Mosinee
29. but grew up in Waukesha
30. I still live there
31. I always wanted to be a ballerina
32. Or an ice skater
33. But am a huge klutz
34. I don't like to clean
35. But when I start I get really into it
36. And can't stop
37. My favorite movie is To Each His Own
38. I cry every time I see it
39. I'm pissed it hasn't been released on DVD
40. P loves High School Musical
41. And I kind of like it too
42. I played on the tennis team in high school
43. But haven't played since I graduated
44. I got my first kiss when I was 12
45. At the park near my house
46. At the bottom of the slide
47. My friend was with me
48. And got her first kiss by the swings
49. She moved the Indiana
50. I haven't talked to her since
51. I'm kind of a chicken
52. I hate roller coasters
53. And fast cars
54. I'm more of a home body
55. I swear more on my blog than I do IRL
56. But the more I blog the more I swear
57. Only 3 people IRL life know about this blog
58. I have another one where I don't swear and only talk about the kids
59. Everyone knows about that blog
60. I have a serious soda addiction
61. I recently kicked it
62. At it's peak, I drank 6 or 7 a day
63. Now I hardly drink one a week
64. I have never used illegal substances of any kind
65. My brother did enough drugs for the both of us (see #25)
66. I've never even smoked a cigarette
67. I hate milk
68. I can eat it on cereal
69. But I gag if I have to drink it
70. I also blame that on my parents
71. I have a temper
72. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge
73. I am a planner
74. I know what we are doing for our 10 year anniversary
75. We just celebrated #8
76. We got married in Las Vegas
77. But have never had an official honeymoon
78. Because we were only 20 when we got married
79. And couldn't afford it
80. I love cooking but I hate baking
81. Baking is too precise
82. I like to throw stuff in a pot and see how it turns out
83. I hated fish
84. Until I met Raoul
85. Now I love it
86. Especially when he makes it
87. I work from home three days a week
88. I hate it
89. I can't wait to be back at the office full time
90. My birthday is May 20th
91. I'm a Taurus
92. If I had been born one day later
93. I would have been a Gemini
94. I have traits of both
95. I will be 29 this year
96. I am not nervous about turning 30
97. I think because I am very happy with my life
98. Except my weight
99. but I'm working on that
100. With Raoul's help, of course!

There you go. 100 things about me with only a little cheating.

I've been tagged

2009-01-14T22:13:00.006-06:00

The lovely new mommy Jill tagged my times 2 this weekend.

The first tag is to open my photo folder to you all. Here are the official rules:

1. Go to your Picture Folder on your computer or wherever you store your pictures.

2. Go to the 6th Folder and then pick the 6th Picture.

3. Post it on your bloggy and tell the story that goes with the picture.

4. Tag 5 other people to do the same thing and leave a comment on their blog telling them about it.

The sixth picture is the sixth folder is this bad boy:

The hubby is the third from the left on the bottom. If you notice, they are all holding very large beer steins. Most of the guys in this picture were groomsmen at a Mother's Day wedding almost 2 years ago. It was taken at the end of the night after they had tapped out multiple kegs. The group calls themselves the Fly Guys. You see, Raoul works in sports entertainment. Many years ago, his employer had landed a large NBA team. Part of the deal was to provide those giant nylon guys that are attached to fans and blow around the stadium. Here is a picture:Anyway, because the company calls these things the fly guys, the team that installed them named themselves the fly guys. Then, just because having a little club wasn't enough, they gave themselves nicknames...after characters from Top Gun. The hubby goes by Maverick. Seriously. Not kidding. Do you think I could make this crap up?

So, the picture above is the fly guys (included are Goose, Sundown, Viper, Iceman, Wolfman, Slider, Maverick, Jester, Cougar, and Merlin but not in the order). I think there might be an extra guy in there that was related to the groom who wasn't actually a fly guy.

And now for the second tag I have to share 7 random things about myself. Okay, here we go

1) I love Cheerios. Most people eat popcorn when watching a movie but I open a box of Cheerios and those. Actually, I have a box of Cheerios open next to me right now.

2) I must have covers on when sleeping at all times. Even in the summer when it is 95 degrees outside I must have at least a sheet on. This stems from when I was a child. I was convinced there was a monster under my bed but couldn't get me as long as my body was under the covers.

3) Speaking of childhood phobias, Santa Clause totally freaked me out. And I am not talking cry when you sit on his lap. I am talking nightmares if I see his picture on TV before bed or read a book with him in it. It still freaks me out sometimes.

4) When I was a kid, my dad put shelves in my closet. They were huge shelves and were put up because my closet sat over the stairwell so I lost a lot of floor space. My best friend and made a secret fort on the top shelf. We would climb up there and hang out at sleep overs. We called our fort the Amazon. Miss ya Mere!

5) I have a serious obsession with the Girls Next Door. I was actually a little sad when Holly and Hef broke up because she was my favorite bunny. Oh, I miss that show.

6) I hate mornings. And, because I hate mornings and stay in bed way too long, I rarely style my hair. I wear it in a pony tail everyday except for holidays and parties. It takes me two or three years to get through a can of hairspray.

7) I really want a Stir Crazy. My parents had one when I was a kid and I loved the popcorn it made. I feel it is far superior to microwave popcorn and love the smell of the popping oil. I think I will remind Raoul, oops, I mean Maverick, that my birthday is coming up in just 5 short months and a stir crazy would be a perfect gift.

Okay, now I must tag 5 people for both and I choose:

Busted Babymaker

One Small Wish

Where's My Belly

Moms are for Everyone

Our Life and Two Dogs

Please tell me I am not the only one

2009-01-13T22:49:00.002-06:00

It's 3:11am. I am sleeping on the couch because Raoul and I had a bit of a disagreement on Monday night and I wanted nothing to do with him and that included sleeping in our bed. Things are better now, we said our I'm sorrys and let it be. Thanks for asking all of you kind internets!

But, back to 3:11am. I wake up to the sound of giggling. Holy crap, I think to myself. Did I sleep so soundly on the couch that 6am came and went and I never noticed. I searched on the floor for my glasses because I am blind as a bat without them. Ah, yes, here they are. Okay what time is it? 3 fucking 11 in the morning! What the hell.

I throw the blanket off myself and stomp into the kitchen and yell down the basement stairs. Sure enough, P and C are playing in the basement having a grand ole time. Then they came to the bottom of the stairs, heads hung low, walked up the stairs and past me without raising their heads and went back to bed. I was too tired to lecture and they needed to get back to bed.

However, at the breakfast table the inquisition began. P was still in bed and C was eating away at his Kix. Let's recap the conversation:

Me: C, we need to talk about what happened last night.

C: Why? What's the big deal? It was just a play date.

Me: A play date?

C: Yeah, we planned it. P and I planned a middle of the night play date.

Me: You need to stay in bed until Daddy gets up to walk the dog. If Daddy isn't up yet it is too early to be up.

C: I know. But this was a play date.

Me: I understand. But you shouldn't have play dates at 3 o'clock in the morning.

C: Why? It. Was. Just. A. Play. Date.

Me: Just stay in bed until Daddy is up with the dog....mommy exits stage left to go to daughters room.

Me: P, we need to talk about what happened last night.

P: Yeah, we planned it.

Me: I know, C told me.

P: What! Why? He wasn't supposed to tell!

Me: It doesn't matter. You need to stay in bed until Daddy gets up with the dog.

P: But we wanted to set our alarm clocks so we could have a midnight play date.

Me: You set your alarms! Don't do it again.

P: Why? We wanted to have a play date.

Me: Do not do it again. End of discussion...mommy exits stage right to go get ready for work

P (under her breath): Fine.

I didn't yell at them. I was too damn tired. Afterall, I slept on the couch and had to break up a 2am play date at 3:11am. P complained all morning about how her tummy hurt and she wasn't hungry. "Well", I said, "I wouldn't feel well either if I got up to play at 2 in the morning. Stop complaining and eat your breakfast."

She went to school still whining and bitchy. Then, at 10:35, just after a conference call with a very pissed off client our admin came looking for me with the cordless. It was P's school. She had just thrown up all over health room and she would like me to come pick her up. Oops, looks like C gave P the flu. Ah well. We probably infected half the first grade and now I will be that mom. The one who sends their sick kid to school to infect all of the other not sick kids. And the worst part? I kind of had a feeling she was getting the flu but I really needed to be in an early morning meeting so I sent her to school anyway. I even told my boss I was expecting the school to call because I thought P was getting the flu.

What can I say, I am still perfecting that whole work life balance thing.

A New Me - Week 2

2009-01-12T10:25:00.004-06:00

Here we are on week 2. I have not been very good about working out this week. Things were easy when I was off at Christmas and New Years because I had all the time in the world to workout. Last week was my first week back at work and it was insane. I worked every day and every evening. I hardly had time to keep the house picked up and I certainly didn't have time to run on the treadmill. So last Monday was the last time I was on the treadmill. I did do some quick workouts on my abs, buns, and thighs but no cardio and I only used 5 lbs hand weights. I didn't to anything on the universal gym in the basement. I hate waking up early but it looks like I am going to have to start if I want to get on the treadmill everyday.

Surprisingly, I did loose some weight...and it wasn't just in my boobs! But I didn't loose too much in the buns or thighs so I am looking for some good exercises that will concentrate on those areas. Alright, without further delay, here are this weeks measurements:

Boobs: 35" (no change)
Waist: 29" (down 1.5")
Hips: 36" (down 1.5")
Buns: 41" (down 0.5")
Thigh: 24" (down 0.5")

Not too bad if I do say so myself. My clothes still aren't fitting better because my biggest problem is in my buns and thighs. I am going to concentrate on those areas this week, hopefully I will see a bigger difference next week.

I am also going to stick to a better diet. I am thinking I will do 5 days of strict healthy eating and then be a little more lax on the weekends. I found a great area of FoodNetwork.com that has lots of low fat and healthy recipes. I wrote a couple down and bought the necessary ingredients yesterday. I am especially excited about a roasted tomato and basil soup recipe. I may have to make a few changes because it calls for 4 cups of fresh basil and it is winter so 4 cups will be really pricey. I am going to do a combo of fresh and dried. I'll post the recipe if it turns out okay.

Alrighty, off to treadmill before I have to head to the office.

Screw cleaning....

2009-01-10T09:55:00.002-06:00

......The Goonies is on TV!!!!!! Yeah!!!! Who the hell needs a clean bathroom. Yes, C has been praying to the porcelain gods this week (did I forget to mention that? C had the flu again. This is number 3 for him) and it hasn't been cleaned since last weekend but its the Goonies! The bathrooms can get cleaned later. I'm watching the Goonies!

I almost died last night

2009-01-10T09:27:00.002-06:00

It all started out innocently enough. I was shoveling the 4 inches of snow sitting on the driveway (stupid Raoul is out of town and I am scared of the snow blower) while the kids played with their new sleds. We were all having a grand ole time, me aching and swearing at the snow, the kids laughing and playing with the snow. Finally, after an hour of back breaking shovel pushing, I was done. To celebrate my triumph over nature I got out the giant tube that blew into our yard a few weeks back and rounded up the kiddies for some sled time. Yes, we stole it. No, we didn't try to find the owner.

Anyway, since I was all bundled up in my snow gear, I was pumped to plummet down the hill. First, the boy and I went. Then just the girl. Then the boy and I again. Then the girl. You get the picture. The squealing must have upset Chicken Shit because he came barrelling out of the garage and chased the boy and I down the hill. Oh we laughed! It was fun.

I wanted to see what the dog would do if I went down the tube on my own. So I got on and he freaked out. He started pacing and panting and sitting in front of the tube. I moved to the left to get away from him when I heard "Bombs away!" come from behind me. My head slapped back and my body lurched forward. The had boy kicked the back of the tube and down I went....straight for the tree. The damn tube was too big to steer, I was gaining speed, and the tree was getting closer. I freaked out. As I was bracing for impact I instinctively stuck my leg out. I guess I figured a broken leg was better than a cracked skull. What I didn't realize at the time was the tube is so damn big I would have just bounced off the tree because the tree isn't huge. And I had to go up the snow bank before hitting the tree and snow bank slowed me down quite a bit. So really, I didn't have to sacrifice my leg but I didn't realize that in my state of panic.

I survived but my leg is killing me. I haven't been on the treadmill since Monday because I have been super busy at work and it looks like it will be a few more days until I get back on. My arm still hurts a bit from the fall down the stairs (You remember the one. I had a giant soda in my hand and it spilled all me over as I tumbled down the stairs. Good times.) and now my leg hurts. I am not happy with the boy and I can't help but wonder if the girl helped put the idea in his head. I can just hear the whispering, "C, wouldn't it be funny if we pushed mommy down the hill!" They like to gang up on me when Raoul is out of town. I think this is going be a long weekend...less than 48 hours until Raoul gets home. Hurry baby!

An egg donor no more

2009-01-09T13:09:00.003-06:00

Part of my bloggy break had to do with my quest to egg donation. Just after Thanksgiving I got the news that I have not been accepted into the program I was hoping to get into. If you recall, way back when, my clinic asked me for some information regarding our families hearing loss. My parents were in the middle of a move and my dad had packed up the paper work related to the testing I had done 17 years ago. He didn't remember the name of the clinic (seriously, it was 17 years ago) and I couldn't find any information on the internet.

I reluctantly called the clinic with the bad news. They were understanding but reiterated that they can't place me into a donor program without that information. They will hold on to my paper work and, if I ever find anything, let them know. I still have a few years before I am too old to donate so this may not be the end. My dad will continue to look for the necessary documents but I have a feeling it is still in their storage unit 4 hours north of their new house.

I wasn't sure what to do with that information and this blog. I started it to track the donation process. I couldn't find a lot of information on the internet and I wanted to be a resource of sorts. But, I don't have that now. I couldn't decide if I should keep blogging or hang up the blogging hat. Could I hack it as a mommy blogger? There are so many amazing mommy bloggers out there and I felt I couldn't compare.

After a little thought and a lot of wine, I decided I started this blog for me. Plus, the content about egg donation so far has been very minimal because I never got past the application process. So, if I started it for me I should keep it for me. The content may change ever so slightly but it is still a great release for myself and something I enjoy. And, when the kids are 16 and ready to head off to prom, it will be great blackmail!

I should be sleeping right now

2009-01-07T00:13:00.002-06:00

...but I'm not. I worked from 7:30 - 4:30 at job #1 then 5-10:45 at job #2. I am tired. My feet hurt. My muscles are sore. My eyes are burning. So why am I typing a blog post? Because Raoul is snoring like a motorboat. I tries sleeping on the couch but the dog followed me and now he is snoring like a motorboat.

I have to be at work at 7am. Thank goodness I work from home and can go to work in my jammies. I wonder if the preschool mom's would look down upon my red and pink plaid flannel jammie pants.

In other news, the school sent home kindergarten registration papers for my little C. I didn't think I would have a hard time with C starting kindergarten but I was a little sad when Raoul told me they were in her folder.

I am excited for him to get started with that part of his life because he will love it. But, I am sad to see my baby go to school. I guess I have nearly nine months to get used to the idea. I was okay with P but she has always been much more independent than C.

If my posts start to get really depressing in August, you will know why.

A new me - week one

2009-01-05T18:37:00.003-06:00

Have you ever seen that Slim Quick commercial? The one where the husband and wife are standing on the floor and she is talking about ordering salads when they go out to eat. She points to the hubby and says this is what happened to him *cartoon man slims way down*. Then she says and this is what happened to me *cartoon women's boobs disappear*. Well, now I know how she feels.

On 12/27 I took my measurements. I had already decided I was going to log my progress here and wanted a jumping off point. Here is what I got:

Boobs: 36.5 inches
Waist (measured at the smallest area torso): 30.5 inches
Hips (measured around the belt line near the hips bones): 37.5 inches
Butt (measures around the largest part of the arse): 41.5 inches
Thighs (just one, not both): 24.5 inches

This morning, just after a workout, I measured again. The only thing that changed was my boobs, down to 35.0 inches. I am trying to stay positive and tell myself it was back fat melting away not the girls. I am rather attached to the girls and if they continue to shrink I will be one pissed off camper. Thankfully Raoul is an ass man so if my boobs melt away he won't care much.

What was blogger thinking??

2009-01-05T08:41:00.001-06:00

I just commented on a blog that has a word verification. No big deal right? Well, the verification word was analpis. Hahahahahaha!!!!! I'm such a 5 year old.

Stop back later for my first New Me update!

A resolution of sorts

2009-01-04T10:54:00.003-06:00

Way back in September I asked Raoul if he would help me pick out a treadmill. I don't like running outside but wanted to start to get into shape again. You see, about two years ago I went from a run around for 8 hours a day job to a sit at a desk all day job. My weight has slowly gone up since then I have been more and more unhappy with it. Lately I started to notice I had no energy and was crabby all the time. I knew I needed to do something and I knew Raoul would be willing to help. He has never once commented about my weight gain but he is very healthy and very trim so I knew he would be happy when I told him my plan.

Unfortunately, life got the better of us and we never went to get one. Finally, on Thanksgiving, I couldn't fit into a single pair of pants and the tights I bought didn't fit. I had to settle for my fat pants. I bought them online a few years ago and they were way too big. For some reason I saved them and its a good thing I did or else I would have had to wear jammies to my aunt's house. Needless to say, I was pissed and started to get pretty down about myself.

So, during Thanksgiving weekend, we bought a treadmill. We got a great deal on it and I was pumped to start using it. It was clean and new and had fun settings and stuff to play with. But it was in the basement, the cold and yucky basement. I had fallen into such a habit of laziness that it was hard to find the motivation to walk down those stairs and get on the treadmill. It took a few days but I finally got on it.

Now, I hate exercise so I started slow. I knew if I did too much too soon I would tired and sore and stop quicker than I started. I started walking at low speeds and no incline. Everyday I did a little more, with a little more incline, and a little faster. Then, I added weights and a yoga ball after the treadmill. I worked out harder than I had worked out since I was in college and took a fitness class. I don't have a scale but I thought with all the hard work I was doing I must have lost a few pounds. Of course, I didn't expect to drop it all it a few weeks but I thought there would be some progress. Which is why I wasn't afraid to step on the scale that sat on the bathroom floor at Raoul's grandma's house. And, when the scale tipped higher than it has ever been I didn't understand. Was the scale broken? Was I gaining muscle so the loss of fat was canceled out? That must be it. Or at least a combination of the two.

But, on Christmas morning, the fat pants that I relied upon to get me through Thanksgiving didn't fit. I could hardly pull them up. After stressing and straining to get them on, I couldn't button them. Then I had to stress and strain to get them off. Raoul tried to tell me I looked trimmer and he could tell I was making progress but I wasn't buying it. I actually gained weight! What the fuck is that? Why work out if I am just going to pack it on?

I am too cheap to join weight watchers so I am asking this wonderful blogging community to be my support group. I will be using this blog to track my progress and post my weekly measurements on Mondays. I don't plan to weigh myself because I don't feel weight is an accurate reflection of health and fitness. Afterall, muscle weighs more than fat and I am doing weight training. My goal is to fit into the skirt I wore to Pk and J's wedding rehersal a few years ago. I am calling this a resolution of sorts because I am not resolving to loose weight, I am changing my lifestyle. I am working to become a healthier and hopefully happier me.

A belated foto friday

2009-01-03T09:01:00.003-06:00

I skipped Foto Friday yesterday so here is a belated version. Please enjoy a few pictures of the kids with Satan's Sand, oh, I mean Moon Sand. And, of course, the snowman the kids made after the 13.5 inches we got just before Christmas.

The great freak out of 2009

2009-01-02T08:33:00.001-06:00

This year, Raoul got the brilliant idea to let the kids stay up as late as they could on New Years but put a limit of 12:30am on it. PK and J came over for sushi and jello shots and the guys started taking bets on how long the kids would stay awake. We had no doubt P would make it all night. She has been known to stay up until 11:30 reading Junie B Jones books. But C loves to sleep and we didn't think he would make it.

They did pretty well all night, riding on their chocolate chip and puppy chow induced high. They played games, watched movies, and left the adults to the adult fun. Although, they did have a hard time understanding why we could eat the jello but they couldn't.

At 10:30, Raoul gave C 40 more minutes. J was not as kind and only gave him 20 more minutes. The Polar Express went in, and C went out like a light at 11:00. As predicted P made it all the way. She watched the ball drop and was thrilled at what a big girl she was.

Then it happened. At 12:05, Raoul told P it was time for bed. She started to freak out. She kicked and screamed and cried and yelled and howled. She arched her back when we tried to pick her up and tears filled her beat red face. She may have made it to midnight but she was in no mood to be fucked with.

I offered to take P if Raoul would deal with C. Raoul defiantly got the better end of the deal because C only woke up momentarily when the ball dropped. I picked up the little ball of fury and carried her into her room. She continued to cry, insisting she wasn't tired (Yeah, right, not tired my ass) and she could stay up all night! I finally calmed her down. It only took two stories about Princess P and her brother Prince C and a song.

I think next year we will have to be sure P knows bedtime is at 12:05am. As soon as the kisses have been handed out she gets to bed. Hopefully we can avoid the great freak out of 2010.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL!!!!!!

My husband is a dumbass

2009-01-01T13:53:00.003-06:00

Every year Raoul participates in the time honored tradition of....oh who the hell am I kidding. The dumbass strips down and jumps into a freezing cold lake. Fucking moron. They call is going polar bearing, I call it stupid.

Every year he and his father head down to Lake Michigan and stand there with hundreds of other dumbasses waiting in the freezing cold and howling wind to jump into a frozen lake. Raoul has been bugging me for years to come down and watch but I simply smile and say I am more of an indoor person, especially when the wind chill is below zero.

This year proved to be especially dangerous as there were huge icebergs preventing them from getting into the lake. Usually they can run in from the shore, take a dip, then run out. This year, the walls of ice made that impossible. Did that stop the dumbasses? Oh hell no. They jumped in from the ice walls and then had to scramble to climb the walls to get out. Raoul, being the kind soul he is, stood on the ledge dripping wet lending a hand to other idiots trying to scramble out.

Raoul's dad decided his bum knee couldn't handle the climb and sat this year out. Thankfully, Raoul recruited a new dumbass to take the plunge with him so he wasn't alone. This was year 12 for Raoul and he likes to have rookies join him.

I understand the ride home is especially painful. Raoul's body begins to shut down from the cold and feels as though someone is stabbing him with hundreds of pins. By the time he makes the 25 minute drive to the house he is exhausted and needs a hot shower and a nap.

I just don't understand. I wish I could blame it on testosterone or the male ego but there are women who participate as well. You'll never find me out there. I prefer to sit home in my flannel jammies and play P's Nintendo DS.

As soon as we have 2009 video and pictures I will post them!

That wonderful time of the year

2008-12-31T08:37:00.000-06:00

We had a wonderful Christmas but it gets pretty long since everyone needs to see us. Wait, scratch that, everyone needs to see the kids. No one gives a crap about Raoul and I. We never had plans every weekend until we had kids. Anyway, we end up having four Christmases every year which the kids love but I could really do without. Tweedle P got her Nintendo DS that she needed to have. Tweedle C got that boogie board sled that he has wanted his entire life...all four years of it. They got various other gifts: jammies that I would totally steal if I wasn't twice their size, movies, roller blades for the P and, for C, a really creepy robot that kind of reminds me a Chucky from Child's Play and I am sure it will end killing us in our sleep. Thanks Sharper Image!

But perhaps the most sadistic gift the kids received this year was Moon Sand. And they didn't get just a little Moon Sand. They got two large play sets plus 4 big containers of extra sand...from two different family members. The kids love the stuff and I curse the ground the creators were born on. It is a mess. No matter how hard the kids try to be neat they get that crap all over the floor. Thankfully it vacuums up pretty easily and it does keep them busy and argument free for at least an hour.

Even I got spoiled this year. Raoul built me an office in the basement complete with a nice corner desk, built in shelves, and wood floors. He also bought me a new ski jacket and pants so I can hit the slopes this year. I haven't been on skis since I was in high school...imagine the blog post that will result! I can picture it now...down the hill once, take a shot, down the hill again, take another shot, repeat as needed. Only this time I won't have to hide my liquor because I am a legal 28 years old.

So stick around, this should be an interesting year. I go back to working in the office full time in May and am pushing for a promotion. C will start kindergarten in September and P will start 2nd grade and a new dance studio. And I am on a quest to loose 20 lbs! Who the hell knows what Raoul has planned but I am sure at least one squirrel will loose it's life.

I'm a bad mama

2008-12-30T12:36:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was not a good day. It was day 11 of Christmas break for the kids and I. It was a hard day. They fought, I yelled. They whined, I asked them if they would like some cheese with that. They fought some, I opened a bottle of wine and shut their bedroom doors. I would have been fine to let things go that way until bedtime but that just wasn't in the stars for us.

Around 4:30, I was changing loads of laundry and noticed there was some water on the floor in the bathroom next to the laundry room. I opened the door and found the bathmat laying over the drain dripping wet and a puddle of water in front of the toilet. DAMN THOSE KIDS! I went upstairs to have a little talk with them to find out what happened. Tweedle P caved first and said she held the toilet handle down too long. But, after some questioning, it became apparent that is not what happened. And, P has a habit of incriminating herself to protect her brother. Yes, this had C's finger prints all over it.

I went downstairs to talk with C and found a glass of water that had a slight yellow tint to it with two of C's toys floating in it. Hmmmm, okay. He flushed a toy while playing in the toilet and it overflowed. Yes, that must be what happened. It was time for C's interrogation. I was really mad at this point in time. I had spent a good 20 minutes trying to P to cave but she never did. C didn't go much easier. He admitted to flushing a toy but couldn't tell me what toy it was what happened after he flushed it. He was just trying to get me to leave him alone. Now they were both lying to me.

That is when Raoul came into the picture and thought it would be best if we separate them and try to get them to cave. He was calm cool and collected, I was yelling...a lot. He took C to the scene of the crime and I kept P in her bedroom. I finally got P to admit she was splashing in the toilet water and that is why it was all over the ground. Now, this was the third story I had heard and I needed proof. I asked her to produce the wet clothes as proof of her crime but she couldn't. I took her to the laundry room and had her rummage through the laundry but there was nothing. I was pissed! No one would fess up and tell the truth. What could they possibly have done that was so bad that they couldn't tell the truth and they would chose to cover it with lies?

Just then, the sump pump kicked on and started spitting water all over the bathroom floor...right in front of the toilet soaking the rug and leaving a puddle on the floor. Huh. The huge snow melt we had caused the sump pump to kick on but there was a leak in the hose so it was spitting ground water every where. Well then. I am the biggest ass in the world. I had just spent 45 minutes yelling at the kids for something they didn't do. They were so upset by the yelling that they made up lies that would get them in trouble when they hadn't even done anything wrong. I felt like such a bitch.

Things are a little better today but not back to normal. School needs to start and it needs to start soon. I don't think we will survive.

I was going to wait until after New Years.....

2008-12-29T08:41:00.002-06:00

...but what the hell; I'm Back! It's been more than a month since I blogged and for those of you wondering what has happened I assure you I am fine. Things have been hectic in the d'Orchidee house and blogging took a back seat. Both of the Tweedles got the flu...twice. And Raoul is such a shit head about bodily excretions I was in charge of cleaning it all up. Yet, regardless of his complete avoidance of it, Raoul had the flu over Christmas. Not to mention the fact that we are so damn popular we had plans nearly everyday in December. Aaannnddd all of the knitting I have done this past month has taken what little free time I had. In an attempt to save money I made quite a few knit projects as Christmas gifts this year.

I was so tired by the end of things I slept until 11am on Christmas Eve. Not smart considering the in-laws were coming for dinner and are super judgemental. By 2pm I asked Raoul how clean he needed the house to be. His answer: "As long as there is no pee on the bathroom floor (Tweedle C needs to work on his aim. He is a little bit like an out of control fire hose right now) and the dog hair tumbleweeds are swept up from the kitchen floor things are clean enough." I do love that man.

I tried to keep up with my regular reads during my break but I was a terrible commenter. Unfortunately, I was wasn't able to read everything by everyone so I am sure I missed a lot. I will have a lot of catching up to to do over the next couple of weeks. It's a good thing I am off until the 5th of January!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and was able to spend some quality time with your families. Or, if you prefer, some quality time with yourself, White Christmas, and a bottle of shiraz. Believe me, I did that once or three times this year. I don't think I would have made it through if I hadn't.

I blame him

2008-11-19T23:13:00.002-06:00

Sometimes Raoul and I will eat dinner at 8 just so we can eat alone, without kids, and fart noises, and arguing over who's spot at the table is better. Tonight, while eating our dinner Raoul told me something about my little P that made me bow my head in shame. Actually, it made me think "hah! That will make a great blog post." But you get the idea.

A few weeks ago, P and her brownie troop went to the Humane Society to look at kittens and find out what they do there. As a thank you for letting the girls backstage, the troop was coloring pictures to send to the society.

Apparently, my precious little Tweedle P drew a dog. Innocent enought right? I mean, we have a dog that we adopted so it makes sense that she would draw one. However, she didn't just draw a dog. She drew a dog with a little bubble on it's backside. Written by the bubble was "fart". Yup, fart. I guess I can understand because Chicken Shit does have a lot of gas. But, I thought she would have enough common sense to know farts do not belong on a thank you card. Okay, that may not be true. Sometimes farts belong on a thank you card but not on a card coming from a brownie troop.

Just for the record, I blame Raoul. Why? Not sure. He is a guy and farting is a guy thing so, yeah, I blame him.

Dear Bitch

2008-11-15T13:38:00.003-06:00

To the bitch at the grocery store who stole the last cart:

Let me first say it didn't bother me any that you took the last cart. I just needed a few things and my kids usually stay by me. Just to be sure, I made them hold hands** so they would at least stay close to each other and I could keep an eye on them.

But, on behalf of the women with the half sleeping two year old who you darted in front of, stole the cart away, and then proclaimed, "Huh! I got the last one!!", I have to tell you that you are a stupid bitch. Not only did you know you were taking the last cart, but you knowingly stole it from a women with a sleeping toddler.

I especially loved the dirty look you gave to the kindly older woman who gave up her cart to the woman with the sleeping toddler and pointed out she would just take one of the carts that the cart boy was bringing in. You are so lucky that it wasn't me who you took that cart from because I would have clocked you one and taken the cart right back. No jury in the land would convict me, not a single one you stupid whorey bitch.

Sincerely,

A seriously disappointed citizen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay then! Now that I got that off my chest, I can tell you all about my seriously crafty project I did this week. Tweedle P has been in a queen sized bed since she was 3. But, because I am a cheep as, I never bought her a headboard. As part of the Hannah Montana room makeover I had decided I would make her a headboard. We thought we were going to make a sweet ass guitar headboard but that was way too much work.

Instead, we picked up some satin and made a padded headboard. Raoul welded a frame and I made the satin panels. Since the walls are going to be gray and lilac, I found some gray and lilac satin to use in the panels. I got a great deal because the fabric store was clearing out Halloween costume fabric. I also found some great buttons to give it a tufted look. The buttons on the purple panels are gray and buttons on the gray panels are purple. P loves it.

Unfortunately, the satin was pretty lightweight and some puckering occurred when I put everything together. And, when I was pulling everything to the back to staple it a seam popped and I had to try to repair it. Considering this was a first attempt I think I did a pretty good job.

**They were thoroughly pissed off that I made them touch each other. So much so that they both put gloves on their touching hands so they wouldn't have to have any skin on skin contact. Then, when we were done and finally got to the car, P threw C's hand down and said, "Thank God! I can't believe you made me touch him!...IN PUBLIC!!!!!"

Foto Friday

2008-11-14T22:10:00.004-06:00

My first award! ***Updated

2008-11-11T21:20:00.008-06:00

I have been tagged with my first blog award by the lovely Tiff. Thanks lady!

So, here are the rules:

1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

1) My uncle Deral was an offensive lineman for the Green Bay Packers and is in the Packer Hall of Fame.

2) I was born, grew up, and currently reside in WI. But, if given the choice, I would move to Northern California in a second. My parents lived there for a year when I was 18 and I loved it there.

3) I have two middle names. One is a traditional middle name and the other is my mom's maiden name. My grandpa had three girls and my mom wanted to carry their last name on. I also gave P my mom's maiden name as part of her middle name.

4) I am a third generation Daughters of the American Revolution thanks to my many-greats grandpa Rufus Barney.

5) When I was in high school I was sure I would be a pediatric oncologist. While I am 95% happy with my decision to pursue something that is more 9-5, occasionally I regret not going to med school and get the crazy notion that I should go back. Then I remember I will be 40 before I would finish my residency and decide I am thinking crazy thoughts and open a bottle of wine.

6) I hate giving the kids baths. It is messy and it is uncomfortable leaning over the tub and they let the water get way too cold before they let me take them out. So, I make them take showers even though they hate them just to save myself the headache.

7) and, an extra one just for fun. I HATE Raoul's beard thingy. It is kind of a half beard? I don't like it. He knows it. It hurts to kiss him and, um, do other things. I have begged him to shave it but he won't. I really hate that thing.

Now, I get to tag six more....hmm, who shall receive the honor????

Meredith
Mel
Kevin
One Small Wish
Aunt Becky
Jill

Excellent....

**Update: Raoul just got a bit snarky with me about his "beard thingy" I don't think he appreciated that very much. So I will clarify. He has a goatee without a mustache. I only remember that I hate it when he hasn't trimmed it in a while and he kisses me and it rubs on my chin. And that happened last night when I typed up this post. Okay, I think that is it. I still don't like it but only when it gets a bit too long.

Why I should read blogs after the kids go to bed

2008-11-11T20:22:00.005-06:00

Two reasons why I shouldn't let the kids sit next to me while I read blogs.

C has been drawing various shades, sizes, and shapes of "poo" since he saw those pictures.
P has been trying to figure out why that man wrote shirt under the "poo". Is it because he is trying to convince everyone it is not "poo"?

I covered the t in the word shit and she just assumed it said shirt. Close call.

Okay, now C just told me he has drawn potties and poopers (his words, not mine) in a tub on the whiteboard. He has 3 poopers and 2 potties. Some are green poopers and some are blue poopers. That makes me wonder, what in the hell is that boy passing?

Tweedle C working on his pooper masterpiece. I am sure this will hang in Louvre someday.

The small dark spots are areas of potty. The larger oval spots are the blue poopers. The two large ovals inside the round oval is green poopers in the tub. The lines next to the tub do not represent anything. They are just lines. Hey, I only report what the boy tells me.

It's those damn peanuts again

2008-11-11T08:27:00.004-06:00

As you may or may not know, when the boy says peanuts it sounds very much like penis. So it was no surprise last night when poor Tweedle C got yelled at for talking about peanuts. Here's how it went:

C (talking to the dog): Hey, your breathe smells like penus!

Me: Perking up, listening closely but not speaking....yet.

C: Did you have penus for dinner because you smell like penus.

Me: C, we don't talk like that. It is not appropriate.

C: But his breathe smells like penus. Maybe he was licking some.

Me: C, mommy said we don't talk like that. It is not appropriate. Now stop or I will send you to your room.

****Five minutes later****

C: You did eat penus! There is penus butter all over the kitchen. Mommy, the dog got penus butter all over the kitchen.

Crap! That poor kid is going to have a complex about peanuts. I guess I will just add it to the therapy bills.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, as promised, an egg donation update. Unfortunately, I have none. My dad was unable to find the information about our hearing loss and has no clue what the name of the clinic was. They just moved and some things are still in their storage unit 5 hours north of their current home. He thinks the information may be in boxes up there but he doesn't know for sure. And, I can't really expect him to remember the name of the clinic as the study was 16 years ago.

So, I have to call the clinic and tell them I don't have the information they needed. I don't know if this will prevent me from donating and I hope it doesn't. Of course, I completely understand if it does as they have no way of knowing whether or not I carry a gene that could cause hearing loss. And, I feel like if they do let me donate recipients won't want a donor that may or may not carry a gene that may or may not cause hearing loss.

How frustrating! I'll update as soon as I know more.

Slacker Here, checkin' in

2008-11-09T09:40:00.002-06:00

Hi All! I have been a bit of a slacker lately but I can totally explain. You see, in case you didn't know, I work from home on Mon, Wed, and Friday. On Wednesday, after dropping the boy of at preschool, I ran to Target to pick up some cat litter. Then I ran to McD's to get a giant soda to help me through my day. I forgot my soda in the car until just before 11. I walked up the stairs to grab it and headed back into the depths of the basement to continue working. Somehow, in my supreme grace and balance, I slipped on the stairs and fell to the bottom. After hitting the bottom I slammed my head on the hard floor and knocked myself out. Thirty minutes later I woke up, covered in soda and aching from top to bottom.

It has taken quite a bit of time to recover. My shoulder is still very sore, my ankle hurts when I move certain ways, and the nasty greenish purple bruise that spans from one ass cheek, down the crack, and over to the other ass cheek makes it very hard to sit down.

I never got the flu (thank goodness!) but I did fall down the stairs which may have been worse. I haven't decided yet. I'll let you know when I do.

In other news, it is been cold and nasty and snowy and just plain gross here. I forgot about a birthday party we were supposed to go to yesterday. Luckily my family understands I am not usually a flake and called at 4pm to see what was up. I promptly got everyone dressed (what? You mean to tell me you are dressed at 4 on a Saturday?) and headed out the door. It was a fun party but the kids were little demons. They ran up and down the hallway, refused to eat their dinner, didn't listen to a single adult, and whined like little Tasmanian devils when I wouldn't let then go play in the dark, 35 degree, rainy night. I know, I'm a bitch. An evil bitch who doesn't want her kids to pneumonia. Call social services now! The kids are in danger!

Oooo, and I am totally jonesing (is that spelled right? Ah, who gives a crap) to watch White Christmas. I am not a sentimental kind of person but there are a few things I really look forward to. One of those things is snuggling up under a blanket with hot chocolate (peppermint schnapps optional) and watching that movie. I usually try to wait until after Thanksgiving. Not because I think I should but if the kids catch me watching a Christmas movie before Thanksgiving I will have to listen to them whine about how I won't let them watch their Christmas movies before Thanksgiving and it's not fair and why can I do it and they can't and don't say because I am the mommy because that is not a good reason and blah blah blah blah. Seriously, they live a tormented life. Just ask them. So I am trying to devise a plan to get them out of my hair for a few hours so I can watch the movie without getting caught. I am thinking Benadryl in their milk at lunch......

Okay, I have more but this post is getting a little ranty as it is. See what happens when I fall down the stairs and can hardly move my arm or sit down for days and therefore have a hard time typing? I get ranty. Stop in tomorrow for a donor egg update.

Foto Friday

2008-10-31T17:23:00.003-05:00

Trick or Treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat!

Tweedle P locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out because, as the last minute, she decided she wanted be a pink poodle and not a dalmation.

Kendall came to trick or treat with us too.

Dash!

Dash and a seriously pissed off dalmation.

But she does love to shake her butt!

Time has told....

2008-10-31T08:30:00.002-05:00

And Raoul has the flu. If you read my post yesterday, you know it was a toss up between upset stomach because he ate his lunch after leaving it the car all day (hey, I never said I married a rocket scientist) or flu. I was leaning toward flu because the kids were sick and it just made sense. Raoul was leaning toward old lunch because he was in complete denial that he was getting sick. It is the Buck's season opener this weekend and he is very busy because of it and doesn't really have time to get sick.

But, after he spent last night praying to the porcelain god, I decided... I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT! Okay, I know I shouldn't be wallowing in his misery but come on...I WAS RIGHT!

He is in the shower right now which tells me is going to attempt to go to work. He is one of those people who believes there is no illness short of cancer or death that should keep him from work. Yup, he is the asshole that goes to work when he is sick and gets everyone else sick. If he has decided he is going to work I will just have to break out the old hand cuffs and chain him to the bed. Too bad he is sick.....

Somebody please kill me

2008-10-30T12:23:00.004-05:00

My life has been a flowing river of puke, diarrhea, butt rashes, fevers, arguments, and poorly performing employees since last week Saturday and I am so ready for it to be over. Here is a recap:

Friday night/Saturday morning: P starts throwing up all over the place. P has started a funny thing of crying out in agony just before throwing which is lovely because first I am scared out of a sound sleep and then I get to listen to her throw up...in her bed...at 2am...and 3am...and 3:30am...and 4am....and 5am.

Saturday: Ah the fun continues only this time it is coming out the other end. By 5pm P has gone to the bathroom so many time she has a terrible rash on her butt which requires diaper rash cream to help soothe the pain. So, she would scream in agony as she was pooping and then yell she was ready for her butt cream....every 25 minutes.

Sunday: No poop! No vomit! Yeah, the worst is over!

Monday: Still no poop or vomit! We are in the clear.

Monday night: "Mommy, I pooped in my undies and I need more cream for my butt." Seriously, why must the universe screw with me?

Early Tuesday morning: The vomiting begins again. What the hell kind of sick joke is this? She is fine for two days and then gets sick again? The universe can kiss my ass.

Tuesday morning:

Me: P is sick and needs to stay home today.

Raoul: I think she is fine. She can go to school.

Me: She is throwing up!

Him: It is just drainage because of her cold.

Me: Explain the diarrhea....

Him: She is fine!

Me: Home!

Him: School!

And the morning ended with me slamming the door and leaving the house without kisses or hugs. She stayed home from school.

Early Wednesday morning: The sound of puke hitting the wood floor fills our bedroom. Only this time it is C.

Wednesday: C is so sick he can't hold down water and his fever is 103 degrees. What do you do with a kids who can't hold down meds and whose sister has a history of febrile seizures...SUPPOSITORIES!!!! Yeah C! Yeah Me! Fuck you Universe!

Wednesday night: Raoul is feeling a bit sick. Is it the lunch he left sitting in his car but ate anyway or is it the flu...only time will tell.

Thursday: I am at work. I am afraid to call Raoul to see how he is feeling and I am afraid to call daycare to see how C is feeling. I have a meeting in 10 minutes with someone who is not performing up to par and I have to discuss an improvement plan with him. He has 2 weeks to turn it around. I hate these meetings.

I wonder what else will happen this week? Maybe I will get sick just before the family gathering on Sunday. The gathering that is the last chance to see my grandparents before they leave for AZ until April. What else will happen? I just know that damn universe is waiting in the shadows...just waiting to screw with me a little more.

This pisses me off

2008-10-27T18:06:00.004-05:00

I can't stand this kind of reporting. It makes egg donors out to be money hungry women with no heart. Especially when the 26 year old with 5 kids says the egg donation process is tedious and, if it were not for the money, she would not do it. She is on her third cycle and, according to GMA, she has made a "small fortune". I have seen more and more articles and "news stories" about donation and it makes me mad every time I watch or read something about it. The reports are so biased and lack any kind of research. It just pisses me off.

And, while we are at it, this pisses me off too.

Thanks for the heads up Mere. I appreciate it.

Foto Friday

2008-10-24T17:51:00.004-05:00

I wasn't going to do a Foto Friday this week because I already posted twice today and I posted quite a few other pictures this week (because my life is terribly boring and I had nothing exciting to post about) but I missed it last Friday so...here you go. More pictures.Daddy's little packer fan
"Mommy, take my picture with this flower!"
Posing in front of Grandpa's chainsaw carvings
Fun with worms!

Posing on Grandpa's tractor.

The inner workings of C's mind

2008-10-24T16:48:00.002-05:00

Me (picking C up from daycare): Hi baby! How was your day?

C: Fine

(pause while I buckle C into the car)

Me: Did you have a good day at Bonnie's?

C: Nope. I didn't go to Bonnie's.

Me: Where did you go?

C: To work.

Me: Oh. And what did you do at work?

C: I set things on fire.

Me: Really? And you get paid to do that?

C: Yup, they pay me. I set my jacket on fire.

Me: Oh no, that was a new jacket. Did you burn it very badly?

C: No, just a little.

Me: Oh good. I am glad to hear that.

Then I thought about it for a minute and remembered our dinner conversation on Wednesday. Raoul set his jacket fire at work on Wednesday...on accident of course. So, now C thinks Daddy starts fires for a living. It is amazing how the 4 year old works.

Conversation around the breakfast table

2008-10-24T08:14:00.003-05:00

P: My tummy hurts

C: Maybe you have to poop

P: I do not have to poop

C: But that is the trick, you have to poop

P: C, stop it. Girls don't poop.

C: Yes they do. That is the trick. Just go poop.

P: Fine! I will try. Jeez C.

Tweedle P stomps off to the bathroom and closes the door. Raoul checks on her 5 minutes later and she proclaims it will be awhile. Ten minutes after that the toilet flushes.

C (after hearing the toilet flush): Yeah! Good job P. That did the trick.

Cookies!

2008-10-22T14:43:00.003-05:00

Every year I get together with my family to make frosted sugar cookies (and gingerbread on Christmas cookie day). It started 12 years ago during the Christmas season. We would all gather around the counter and help cut the cookies out. My aunt and I would bake them while the little kids played. After they cooled, I would pipe elaborate designs onto all 30 batches and set them outside to harden. My cousin Jeffrey would cut heads of the Santas and pipe on red icing as blood. He would mix red, green, and white to get a nasty gray. Then, he would cut the tops of the heads off and pipe in the gray icing as a brain. Or, he would put the gray on random body parts and call them tumors. Jeffrey was a bit, um, disturbed.

We had such a great time we expanded the event into Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, and once in the summer cookies. Our designs are less elaborate and my aunt makes the cookies the day before everyone gets together. Jeffrey has decided he is too cool to decorate cookies with us and would rather spend his Saturdays at football games and bars. We don't make 30 batches anymore and I spend so much time helping the kids I rarely frost a single cookie. But I still love doing it and the kids love doing it too. Plus, we get lots of yummy cookies to bring home!

The kids hands and faces get covered in frosting, the floor gets coated in sprinkles, and my aunt always makes a delicious dinner. And, of course, we always have Sangria, Long Islands, and Cranberry Slush for the adults. I hope we never stop.

Pumpkins!

2008-10-20T20:54:00.007-05:00

We carved pumpkins tonight. It went much better than last year. Last year Raoul nearly cut off Tweedle C's hand. What the hell, you ask? Well, Raoul was carving and C threw his hand into the pumpkin. He was centimeters away from a trip to the ER.

No one nearly lost hands this year but I almost lost my mind. Thank god I had some Boone's Sangria in the fridge to help me find my mind again. It significantly cut back on the "C stop it" and "P settle down" that we usually hear at family events.

P was a champ. She dug her hands right in there and started pulling out all that pumpkin crap. She squished it through her hands and pulled all the seeds out for me.

C, on the other hand, was a giant pussy who wouldn't put his hands into the pumpkin. He asked for a spoon to scoop the stuff out and then wouldn't even do that. We eventually put him on seed duty. You know, separate the seeds from the crap that comes out of the pumpkin.

Of course, in our house, the philosophy is go big or go the fuck home and we go big dammit. Last year Raoul broke out the power tools to ensure a perfect circle on ends of the dog bone (Chicken Shit's pumpkin). This year he broke out the drill to ensure perfect circles on the dog freckles.The pumpkins turned out great and the seeds are in the oven getting all toasted and yummy. So, while we wait, may I present: our pumpkins. The dog for C and the kitty for P.

Busy Busy Busy

2008-10-19T22:40:00.003-05:00

Whoa it has been a busy week! Sorry for my abscense but I just couldn't get away to blog.

I pulled an all nighter on Tuesday trying to stay ahead of my work for the week but I guess all night wasn't enough because I still ended up working after the kids went to bed on Wednesday and Thursday. I can't decide if trying to switch from 5 days in the office to 2 days in the office and 3 days at home is causing my issues or if we are just really busy. I am much more distracted at home and my internet connection is slower since I have to remote into two different computers to get into my work PC and the kids are terribly distracting. I have been with this company since Jan 2007 and I have never been this crazy. I usually end up taking everyone elses work because I am so slow but these past few months I have been unloading as much as I can. I keep thinking this week is the last busy week and things will clear up but then more crap falls on my plate and I am busy again and there is not much I can do about it. I am one of two lead trainers and I have a new hire coming in on the 3rd. New hires take up about 60 to 70% of my time their first 3 weeks so I can honestly say things will not be getting better anytime soon. I really need a mental health day but it isn't looking plausible. I am thinking the next break I will get is Thanksgiving week. I have off Wednesday through Sunday. Yeah!

Okay, okay, enough bitching. On to the fun things that kept me away from the internets (but oh how you were missed). On Friday we were all set to go to a high school football game but it ended up raining so, at the last minute, we decided not to go. Kendall spent the night and the kids had a blast with her. Of course, they always do. We watched Harry Potter and ate Culvers frozen custard and worked on the kids Halloween costumes. Tweedle C spent the night getting me drunk. I would hardly finish a mojito before he had another one in my hand. I wonder if Raoul was paying him....

Saturday was our annual Halloween cookie decorating day. All of the kids head over to my aunts house, gather around the table, and frost cookies. We do it every Halloween, Christmas, Valentines Day, Easter, and once in the summer. The kids lick the knives and eat the candy sprinkles, their faces get covered in bright frosting, they sneak cookies left and right. They are so hopped up on sugar by the end of the day that they bounce and wiggle when they are just standing around. You couldn't pay me to miss a cookie day. We have been doing this since I was 16, I am now 28, you do the math.

Today was terribly bitter sweet. We went up to the family farm to drop off Raoul's boat to store for the winter and to dig up and bring home the grape vines that have been there for more than 10 years. My grandpa is tearing down the barn soon and today was the last day I would see it standing. My great grandfather bought the farm in the 40's, passed it to my grandpa and his brothers, and then my grandpa bought his brothers out in the 70's. I have never known the farm not to have a barn on it. But, it is in terrible shape and either needs to get fixed or come down. My grandparents spend 6 months a year out west so it doesn't make sense to fix it up.

I did, however, learn that there is money buried somewhere on those 200 acres. The man who sold it to my great grandfather told him his father buried money on the farm but no one knows where. Considering the farm was purchased in the 40's I think it is safe to assume it is depression era money. He has some treasure hunters coming out in the spring after they get home from the west. I am not sure if they will find anything but it was definitely fun to talk about over dinner! Raoul and I are planning on going to the treasure hunt just to watch.

I took oodles of pictures this weekend and plan to scrapblog them sometime soon. And I will probably do a wordless Wednesday to make up for missing foto Friday. So stop back to see the fun with cookies and fun with tractors pictures on Wednesday! Toodles

Random thoughts that are not in depth enough for their own post

2008-10-13T21:14:00.004-05:00

I got some really bad new this weekend. My brother broke it to me on Friday night over dinner. I could tell something was wrong when he got here. He was quiet, withdrawn, and distant. Was everything okay with his wife? Yes. Did something happen at work? No. Then what, me dear brother, what? Our favorite couple broke up. Hef and Holly are no longer together. Hef and Holly broke up. Thank goodness my dad was hear to buy pizza and beer to help me drown my sorrows.

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Things on Tweedle P's Christmas list (keep in mind, she is six)

A Wii
A Nintendo DS
An iPod
A cell phone
A phone in her bedroom
A TV in her bedroom
Her own phone number for the phone in her bedroom
A DVD play for said TV
Cable for said TV

Santa better start saving because Tweedle C is starting to think her list sounds pretty sweet and he might need all of that as well.

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I was really excited to redo Tweedle P's bedroom in pink and green. I love the color combo and she is such a girly girl I though it would be perfect. I had paint swatches and was ready to go. I even posted a big long post on my not secret blog and got my mom really excited because she also loves those colors.

I guess I forgot to remember that Tweedle P is growing up and not really interested in a pink and green bedroom. She is interested in big girl things now and her room should reflect that. So, I am thinking purple walls with pink accents, more grown up bedding, and white furniture. And, to reflect her love of the HM, my ever talented husband is going to fashion a guitar headboard which I will paint to match the room. I think it is better this way. She will have a room she can grow into, not grow out of.

7 of the most feared words in the mommy language

2008-10-11T16:15:00.003-05:00

I was miles from home. We had stopped at the Harley Davidson dealership to check out the new bikes and look for a leather jacket for my dad. We had just left the dealership and were in the car. It was hot in the car. The sun was beating into the windows, causing the leather to heat up and burn my butt as I sat down. I had the windows open but that wasn't cutting through the heat. I was at a stop light waiting for red to go green. Then, my poor little Tweedle C started to whimper. I looked into the back seat and he looked absolutely pitiful. He looked like someone just decapitated Duckie. He saw I was watching, looked into my eyes, and said, "I accidentawy had diarrhea in my pants."

Looks like I will be missing the baptism tomorrow.

Foto Friday

2008-10-10T07:57:00.003-05:00

I finished my nephews baptism blanket just in time. The baptsim in on Sunday and I finished it last night. I think it turned out pretty well. I made a couple of little mistakes but the yarn is a really thick soft yarn so the mistakes aren't too obvious. And, I like to think they give it character. Soooo......here it is. Kole's Baby Blanket

Dinner Conversation (Updated)

2008-10-09T22:06:00.003-05:00

Things discussed over BBQ chicken pizza with my dad and Raoul tonight:

Why married men live longer than single men (because wives allow married men to make fewer stupid decisions)
The stupid mistakes single men make that cause them to die sooner
Why Raould can't wait until I die (so he can fish everyday, my we are in love)
Why men in Vegas don't get married
How much hookers cost in Vegas
The difference between an expensive hooker and a cheap hooker
The correlation between low number of married men and high number of hookers in Vegas
Why both presidential candidates suck
Maybe the presidential candidates should spend more time in Vegas (ie hookers)
Why hookers are cheaper than a wife

As you probably guessed, the conversation was mostly between Raoul and my dad. I didn't pipe in too much beyond bullet point number 1. For some reason I feel like that may not be your typical American dinner conversation. Things are never boring at my house!

Updated: I just just checked my stats and I have had 15 hits today by people googling hookers. 15...in one day...googling hookers. I don't even know what to say about that.